


Silence

by nikolayevich



Category: Original Work
Genre: Anal, Angst, Bigotry, M/M, Oral, WIP, m/m - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-10-16
Updated: 2016-03-22
Packaged: 2018-02-21 08:42:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 28,050
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2461973
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nikolayevich/pseuds/nikolayevich
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A bullied student finds unlikely solace with a lonely bookstore owner.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Darwin

The bell rang.

“Cyyyyrus!” Someone called with an almost singsong voice. I stiffened.

I had clambered out of my class as fast as possible in hopes of heading through the hallway unnoticed. I wasn’t that lucky. I heard my name, again. I tried to ignore them. Other students slammed into me as I squirmed through the thickening crowd. People only spoke my name when they wanted to mock me.

When moving to a new town, most parents will assure their children that they will be well liked and received well at their new school. My parents said nothing of the sort. There was a truth in their cold silence.

I continued through the hallway with my head down and books pressed closely to my chest. Laughter followed me.

The laughing increased as I crept closer to my locker. When I looked up, I flinched at the sight. My locker was covered in determinedly thick letters that spelled out FAGGOT. As my face twisted in horror, people started to laugh. I traced each letter with my eyes until I could see it when I closed my eyes.

A boy hissed from behind me, “stupid freak. Why doesn’t he get mommy and daddy to send him to a nice private school?”

Freak was a nicer word than faggot. It was tolerable, almost swallowable. I was a freak.

I looked… different. My body was too thin and littered with crisscrossing scars that ran up and around thick sections of my body. Insomnia tortured me. Countless nights spent awake had stamped dark circles under my eyes. My grey eyes were dulled and vacant. My cheeks were hollowed. I remembered, rather vividly, of a person goading, “so, what do they feed you in the concentration camp?”

“Right?” Another person agreed. Her voice pulled me from my thoughts. She scoffed, “we all know they can afford it.” 

“Didn’t you hear, though?” A new voice inquired, one I recognized from my Physics class. “He’s been kicked out of every private school he’s ever been to. Last one found him trying to commit suicide in the bathroom.”

I wanted to vomit. They knew. A body slammed into me, sending me face-first into my locker. I bounced back and shifted my books to one arm. My free hand shook as I swiveled the combination lock.

 

11

I tried to ignore the throb that was building on my face.

31

The bell rang, shrill and loud. Students retreated to class.

27

I took my time opening the door. I slowly put each book in its place.

I could feel eyes trailing down my neck like sweat. I turned, keeping my hand fixed to the door. Three hulking males eyed me like prey as they leaned against the wall of lockers. My body tensed but I did not flee. I shut the door and clicked the lock closed. Their mouths were curved in dangerous smiles that showed too much teeth. The gesture reminded me of the way predators sized up their prey. Standing in the middle, clad in a letterman jacket, stood the bane of my existence. Brad Porter. Star football player, C average student, and notorious party boy. On the first day of school, I accidentally bumped into his girlfriend and didn’t apologize. He broke my nose. 

“Now, Cyrus,” he drawled. His hands clenched into fists at his sides. “Don’t inconvenience us by running.” He warned in a manner that reminded me of the way an adult would chastise a child.

Where could I go? I glanced down the hallway, passed the rows of lockers with brown doors spaced evenly between them, to a single grey door. The Principal was only a small distance away, if I ran fast enough. I would be safe there, for a moment. I looked at each of the football players, tried to ignore the bloodthirsty look mirrored in each set of eyes, and took off. My feet slid against the linoleum as I tried to flee. 

I didn’t make it very far. 

A tough hand threaded itself through my hair and yanked. I groaned, wishing I would have joined some sort of a sports team instead of sitting alone in my room, counting my scars, and worrying about the future. I should have cut my hair. It was straw yellow and limp. Maybe he wouldn’t have been able to grab me.

The grip on my hair yanked me backwards. I bit my lip, hard, and the taste of blood filled my mouth. They swarmed around me. Hands grabbed both of my arms. The hand in my hair pulled away once I was secure. I didn’t struggle or scream as they dragged me from the hallway and through the field. The two lackeys supported the upper half of my body with a steady grip. My feet trailed against the muddy ground. It was going to take forever to scrub the dirt out of the bottoms of my pants. 

“Look at his fucking glazed over eyes,” the one on my left, grumbled. I thought his name was Paul or maybe ‘mindless oaf’. I wasn’t sure. I could feel his bruising grip tighten like he had heard my comment. 

Brad’s shirt had a thick wrinkle down the middle and a lipstick stain on the collar. He followed behind my limp body. His feet almost collided with mine as he stomped through the grass. The sky was crowded with dark, black clouds behind him. There were dark circles under his eyes and his face was pinched with anger. 

“I could iron that for you.” I mumbled. My eyes focused in on the wrinkle. My fingers twitched outwards, uselessly, in hopes to soothe crease. We stopped in the middle of the football field. The halt in motion jarred me forward. I was not relinquished from their punishing hold.

I looked up at them. They all gaped at me in confusion. I bared my teeth.

Brad was flabbergasted. His mouth hung open, and he stared at his minions in turn. Paul shrugged and pulled my arm up a bit. Brad shook away his surprise with a roll of his shoulders. He returned his attention to me. 

“Shut up, you fucking fag.” Brad’s voice hissed like a teakettle, high-pitched and heated. His foot connected with my stomach. I wheezed in pain. The lackeys chose that moment to drop me. I groaned. Grass stains.

I propped myself up and peered at my kidnappers. Brad’s eyes were filled with a dark emotion that I couldn’t name. He caught my eyes and the emotion lingered for a moment. He reared his foot back and kicked me again. I collapsed fully against the ground with a whimper.

It did not take long for my assailants to grow bored with me. There was no fun in playing with a limp toy, they said. They left me crumpled on the ground like a paper airplane that couldn’t fly. My body smarted. I was lucky that they stopped when they did. I shook my head in an attempt to get rid of the black spots clouding my vision. I rolled onto my back and tried to catch my breath.

I drew myself off the ground, ignoring the way my body protested.

I hid in the bookstore that was close to the school when things like this happened. It was a small brick building surrounded by large trees. The windows were filled with stacks of books and covered with flyers that said things like Missing Dog or Looking for a Roommate. The sign above the door read Darwin’s Bo kstore. The O had fallen off last summer, the day I arrived in this miserable town. People rarely frequented the dimly lit shop. That made it the perfect hideaway. Many people whispered about ghosts and monsters haunting the place but I chalked that up to bullshit gossip.

I had a bit of an understanding with the owner. Sometimes he would flip the dangling door sign to Closed after I hobbled in and wouldn’t bother me as I hid away between the shelves. 

Once, at the Mayor’s ball, I was seated diagonally from him at the dinner. A woman had asked him why his hours were so unpredictable. He had responded, “Sometimes I like to do inventory without being interrupted.” He smiled handsomely. 

“Isn’t that bad for business?” She pestered on, wine glass in hand. She learned closer to him and batted her fake eyelashes. 

His eyes met mine for a few brief moments before he continued, “Not every action is motivated by monetary gain.” He smiled at her again, and directed the conversation elsewhere.

I limped to the bookstore. I didn’t want to head back to my achingly empty home. The bell chimed softly as I entered. The dim lighting showed a few customers milling around. The owner sat behind the counter. He looked tired. He regarded me coolly from across the register. I sidled between shelves and pressed my fingers against the spines of books as I passed. I heard the sound of footsteps and, with an overwhelming worry that my attackers had come back for more, pressed myself against the wall of books. An elderly woman strolled by the edge of the row. She spoke to herself as she squinted at a piece of paper clasped in her bony hand.

I sighed. She was not a threat. I rubbed my eyes with irritation. Those idiots would never have come in here. I knew that. I crept to a corner of the store. My back slid against the cool stone as I sank to the ground. My chin throbbed. I did not touch it for fear of coming into contact with swollen flesh. I sighed. Exhaustion ate away at my bones and made my eyelids feel too heavy to keep open.

I slept. 

“Hey,” a voice whispered. A hand gripped my shoulder and shook me awake. I felt nauseous. My eyes snapped open. 

 

“You’re not supposed to be here.” The owner said sternly, but his voice was soft. He was crouched in front of me. His forehead was crinkled with worry and his mouth was pressed in a thin line. His hand lingered on my shoulder.

I could not force myself to speak. I stared at him. I wanted him to go away but my lips felt cemented together. He could have left me as rat food, for all I cared.

What was his name? Darwin. “Why?” I croaked. I looked behind him and noticed how dark it had become. No light trickled in through the windows and the lamp at the counter was turned off. I must have been asleep for hours. I stiffened. I’d have to walk home in the dark. There was no telling who was lurking around the corner.

“No one is here,” Darwin’s voice lowered into a soft hum. It was like he was trying to calm down a wild animal.

I continued to stare. My eyes focused on the scar on his forehead. 

“We’re closed, now. I forgot you were back here or I would have woken you earlier. Are you okay, Cyrus?” He appeared concerned.

At the sound of my name, I reared back and bumped my head against the wall. I realized how close he’d gotten. He was kneeling between my legs. Way, way, way too fucking close. His plaid shirt, halfway untucked, hung precariously close to touching the lower half of one of my legs. His hand moved from my shoulder. His fingers brushed against the sore part of my face. He studied my face.

Lighting flashed and thunder growled in the distance. I could see the concern in his eyes.

“I am tired.” I grouched and moved my face to the side to discourage those inquisitive fingers from returning. My eyes wanted to drift closed. I strained to stay awake.

Go away. 

Darwin leaned closer. His face was mere inches from my own. His honey brown eyes dragged themselves down my face leisurely as though inspecting each inch of my skin. He worried his lip between his teeth as he searched. He ran an unsteady hand through his messy brown hair, the same hand that had touched my face. The air whooshed out of his lungs in a loud sigh. “You want some tea? You probably shouldn’t go home in this mess.” He moved away and stood. 

My eyes trailed up his body and took in his scuffed boots and dirty jeans. How could he get that dirty in a bookstore? He appeared as thought he belonged in the woods with an ax.

 

He made me uncomfortable. I wanted to leave but the thought of wandering home alone in the rain was unappealing. I nodded. I spoke in a hushed whisper, “Only until the storm stops.”

Darwin grinned. It almost disgusted me the way it lit up his face. I felt like his face was going to crack in two from the force of that smile. What was he so fucking happy about?

He offered his hand. I stared at the offered appendage for a few seconds. I could stand by myself. His fingers curled and uncurled against his palm impatiently. My wounds stung as I shifted. I sighed and put my hand in his. He pulled me up like I weighed nothing. I was a few inches away from him.

He smelt nice.

His eyes were dark and searching. The grip on my hand was firm. He put out heat like a fire that scorched my whole entire body. He seemed to notice the heat because he released my hand like I’d burnt him. 

“Come on,” he muttered. He pressed his hand to his side. 

Darwin guided me to the back of the store. The farther we traveled the denser the stacks of books became. The store was bigger than I had realized. We wove in and out of piles of books and between bookshelves. I stayed as far away from the man as possible. I didn’t want to be captured by that heat or the pitying looks he kept shooting me over his shoulder. Our path became narrower as we traveled forcing us closer and closer together. When we finally made it to the wooden staircase, I was almost pressed against him. I could feel the heat of his body and I gulped.

He clambered up the stairs and threw open the door with a loud bang. I trailed behind him and paused in the open doorway, an inch away from entering. I had assumed we were heading to an office. But he had led me to his apartment. I tried to swallow around the thick feeling in my throat. Was he going to kill me? I wondered if I should leave. My brained screamed that I should leave.

“You coming?” He called, his head popping through another open doorway to stare at me.

I nodded. He ducked back into the other room.

My feet felt like they were glued to floor. I had never been invited to someone’s home before. Well, not someone so close to my age. I couldn’t tell how exactly how old he was but he looked to be in his 20s.

I stepped in and shut the door behind me. I had cemented my fate.

I inhaled sharply. My throat almost closed at the sight of his living room. I recoiled in horror. It was so dirty. I counted to ten and tried to calm my labored breathing. I worried that if I touched anything my skin would dry and peel off. Panic rose in my throat.

Three shirts lied haphazardly over his striped green couch. I could make out a lone shoe playing peek-a-boo from under the couch. A brown jacket was discarded across a faded grey armchair. The walls, which were a dingy grey, were bare except one picture. It was crooked and my fingers itched to straighten it. I rubbed my hands against my jeans to help curb the urge. Half opened boxes full of books were stacked all over the place. The coffee table was covered in beer bottles, old dishes, and books. Books were stacked on top of each other and used to prop open a door to my right. I leaned to the side, balancing on one foot, to look through the opening. I could see a bed covered in clothes and books. Fuck. 

Darwin was in the kitchen. I could see the refrigerator from where I was standing. Large, dirty windows took up most of the wall space to my left. Rain poured outside.

“You’re a mess,” I moaned. I resisted the urge to flatten myself against the door when he wandered out in response. His fingers gripped a silver kettle. He didn’t look angry, but I couldn’t be too sure.

 

Darwin looked around and shrugged. “Sorry, I go through the new inventory up here. I spend a lot of time downstairs. Guess the mess just doesn’t really bother me. I don’t have many visitors, either.” He muttered. He shot me another one of those pitying gazes that made me want to punch him in the face. He smiled at me apologetically. “Come into the kitchen. I’ll make you tea and give you something for that eye.” He waved the kettle at me in an attempt to lure me in.

I sent his back a withering gaze.

“Sit down.” He said when I made my way into the brightly lit room. He nodded towards a small table covered in magazines and old coffee mugs. There were two rickety chairs, one positioned at each end of the table. I sat in the one closest to the door. He filled the kettle with water and set it on the stove.

I bit my lip. I wanted to comment that his green appliances probably hadn’t been usable since the 1970s.

 

He apologized again as I shoved magazines out of my way. He walked around his kitchen opening and closing doors like he didn’t know where anything was. He sent me shy smiles from across the room after each slam of cupboard doors.

“Heathen,” I grimaced. I huffed as I sank farther down in the chair.

After a few minutes of rummaging, he found the tea bags in the pantry and pulled a bag of frozen peas from his freezer. He sauntered over and offered me the tea bags. I stared at his outstretched hand until he realized his mistake. He flushed. He laughed, a loud jovial laugh that warmed my stomach. He handed me the bag of peas and winked. He shuffled back to the stove as the kettle emitted a high-pitched wail.

I licked my lips. I tried to count to ten. My hands gripped the edge of the table. I screwed my eyes shut in hopes to ignore the dirt all around me. I made it to the number seven before I had to peek at the worn tile floor. I cursed at the thin layer of grime covering it. Didn’t the man own a mop? I stared up at the peeling wallpaper. It was a pale green with a faded flower print. I wanted to rip it to shreds.

My knuckles had turned white with the intensity of my grip. I let go and flexed my fingers. I tried again to count.

The paint on the cabinet was chipped. I chewed the cuticle on my thumb. The counters were littered with empty beer bottles and Chinese takeout containers. His diet was lacking, I noticed. I made out a piece of pizza hanging out of a drawer. The sink was filled with dirty dishes. I rubbed my other hand against the tabletop, hoping to wash away all the filth in the room with the simple, circular motion. The peas hung at the edge of the table. I was tempted to bash my head against them.

But I also wanted to hit Darwin with them.

He leaned against the counter, waiting. I could feel his eyes boring through the side of my head. I purposely stared at the table.

He set a mug in front of me. I didn’t touch it until he walked away. I picked it up and examined it. It was pink. A nasty salmon color with the image of a dolphin jumping out of an open book plastered on the front. Darwin’s name was printed in all capital letters directly below the image.

 

FAGGOT 

 

The words flashed before my eyes. The mug dropped against the wood with a loud clunk. Some of the tea sloshed over the side. My hands shook as they hovered an inch above the table. I looked down at the angry bruise that trailed up my left arm and disappeared under my black shirt.

 

“You okay? You’re kind of pale.” Darwin was suddenly beside me. His hand floated over my shoulder as if he couldn’t figure out whether or not he was allowed to touch me.

“I’m fine,” I growled with irritation. He needed to learn how respect personal space. I clamped my eyes shut. Images of my attack played on repeat in my head.

 

Darwin touched me for just a second. His fingers barely brushed my sleeve as he pulled his hand away. When I opened my eyes, he looked a bit unsure. He was kneeling next to me, again. He searched my face.

I was shaking. I grasped a dishtowel from off the pile of magazines in front of me. I sopped up the spilt tea and attempted to will away the tremble.

“I’m fine,” I repeated, gripping the towel with all my strength. “I just spilt some tea.”

His face scrunched with uncertainty. He pried the towel from my grasp and stood. He moved to place it on the counter.

I turned the mug around. I wrapped my cold fingers around it. I sipped. The tea crawled down my throat and burned my stomach. It was good. The shaking ceased.

 

Darwin sat down across from me. He completely dwarfed the chair. He stirred his tea. “You’re always alone when you come to the store,” he stated, but his eyes were narrowed in a way that made me feel like it was a question. He was digging around for something. I wished he had left me alone.

“I don’t have any friends,” I whispered, my voice raw. I assured myself that it was from the tea, not the tears welling in my eyes.

There was something inviting about the way his milky brown eyes drew me in. I searched his face for some sign of ill will. But all I could take in was his strong jaw, covered in stubble, and his straight nose. He held himself hunched over his small cup and had his brawny arms wrapped around it in a protective embrace. He looked like he could break my neck with a flick of his wrist. There was something odd about him.

 

He stared at me peculiarly like he had just had the same thought about me. He titled his head to the side. “No friends?” He murmured. He took a large drink from his mug. “How can that be possible?” He pressed his lips against the brim of the cup. He was speaking more to himself than to me.

 

My throat felt stuffed full with cotton balls. I felt compelled to answer. “I’m a f-,” I choked. That word had almost stumbled out. Nervous and uncomfortable, I picked another word. “Freak.”

Darwin’s eyebrows shot up in surprise. “No, you’re not.” He shook his head with each word as though it was a well-known fact.

“I am. Everyone hates me.” I was no longer in control of my emotions. Anger rose in my throat and threatened to suffocate me. I stared at the wall behind his head because I knew the moment I met his eyes I’d lose my confidence. “They taunt and torture me. They tell me I’m disgusting. Yesterday, the football team threw me down the bleachers as a joke. The cheerleaders and the other students laughed at me as I floundered on the ground in fear. And today? They wrote-“ I howled with a voice almost as shrill as the tea kettle. I was standing with my spine curled and my fingers clutched the tabletop with an iron grip. My breath came out in heated puffs as I tried to form the word. I leaned forward and forced myself to meet Darwin’s eyes. I continued with a voice as low as a hiss, “Faggot. They wrote it on my locker. Everyone laughed and I took it because I didn’t want anyone to hurt me. But” I said, gesturing down at my body. “I’m sure you see how that turned out.” I deflated like a balloon stuck with a pin and sank back into my chair. My hands shook. Again. 

Darwin stared at me blankly. He lips twitched into a smile. “Well, that’s the most I’ve ever heard you say.”

I scowled and crossed my arms over my heaving chest. That definitely wasn’t the reaction I was expecting. Tears stung in the corners of my eyes. I looked towards the sink.

“I didn’t know you were so feisty,” He teased. “I like it.”

I felt my face become hot at the odd compliment. “You’re annoying,” I complained. I was so upset. No one took me seriously.

He continued to smile.

“And disgusting.” I added, hoping to wound him as revenge for laughing at my problems. A tear burned its way down my cheek. I brought my eyes back to him. He frowned, darkly.

Darwin’s fingers drummed against the side of his cup. He looked down at his tea. The atmosphere felt changed. I shivered like a chill of air had ghosted up against my back. When he looked back up, his lips were twisted in a dark sneer. “Why do you allow them to do this to you?” He demanded. His grasp on his mug changed from caressing to forceful in an instant. He threw it to the side. It slammed against the wall and broke. Thunder boomed in the distance.

“I don’t allow them to do anything!” I protested and squirmed uncomfortably in my chair. I looked away. It wasn’t my fault! I refused to watch the tea drip down the wall.

“But you haven’t told anyone?” Darwin prodded seemingly ignoring the storm howling outside. I could hear the unspoken ‘anyone other than me’ in his voice.

If I had it my way he wouldn’t have known, either. I was angry with him. I hated that he lured me with the promise of tea and then trapped me with that inescapable gaze. I shook my head and silently wished he’d look elsewhere. 

“I see.” Darwin dug his elbows into the table and pressed his face into his hands. He sighed deeply. “What I don’t understand is,” he rubbed his face. “How can you just take it? You sat there while I ridiculed your feelings. I completely ignored your problems and teased you. And you took it.” He pulled back, away from his hands, and looked at me with eyes tinged with exhaustion.

“I don’t want anyone to hurt me,” I whimpered and wrapped my arms around myself. I didn’t know what else to do. My voice dropped to a whisper. “It’s not worth it to fight back. I never win.” My throat was thick with emotion. I found it difficult to swallow and salty tears slid down my face. Traitors.

“I see you every single day.” He sighed and hunched forward like he was overwhelmed with some tasking emotion. “It’s tortuous for me to watch you roam around the store when you look so defeated and defenseless. I feel so helpless. We’ve barely spoken but I can’t help but feel responsible for you. There’s something about you that I can’t get away from. I know you don’t trust me. I can’t sit back and allow people to trample all over you, anymore. It... It makes me so angry,” his fist connected with the table, solid, like the force of his words. Thunder roared in the distance in an echo to his anger. He locked his gaze on me. His eyes were wild with rage. He bared his teeth like a feral animal and he snarled, “To watch you suffer. I know other adults turn a blind eye. I shouldn’t have blamed you and I’m sorry for that. I’m gonna promise you something, Cyrus. I won’t let anyone hurt you, again. Never again. Do you understand?” His tone was gravelly and low. His shoulders were stiff with rage.

 

I wanted to object. I wanted to tell him that I didn’t need to be protected. I felt the words lined up like toy soldiers behind my grinding teeth. I couldn’t do it. Hot and angry tears rushed down my face. The words dissolved on my tongue. I felt conflicted. He promised to protect me. He had sounded so definite like it was law. I thought about all of the promises my parents had left unfulfilled. I sniffed. But they had made those promises in passing and they sure as fuck didn’t look me in the eyes while they did it. 

But he… He had stared me down and promised. I wanted… I choked on a sob. I wanted him to mean it more than anything. I was so tired of fending for myself.

My head bobbed in a quick nod. I stared down at my lap and pressed my palm against my mouth in hopes to stifle my sobs.

“It’s okay to cry,” Darwin murmured. His voice was so soft. “Everyone cries. I’m sure every human on the earth has shed tears at least once.”

I shook my head. I couldn’t remember the last time I had cried. I placed my face in my hands and groaned. It was sickening. Tears pooled in my hands and trickled out between my fingers. I had survived countless beatings without ever crying. And now I was reduced to tears by some slovenly jerk that didn’t even ask what I liked in my tea but made promises like it was the easiest thing on the planet. The cuts on my face stung from the pressure of my hands. I pulled away. I peeked up at Darwin through my fringe.

He gave me a knowing look and grinned. I kind of liked when he smiled. We sat in silence for a few moments. I could hear the sound of the rain beating against the roof. The storm had calmed. 

“How old are you?” Darwin questioned. He seemed appeased.

“Uh, seventeen.” I rubbed my hand through my hair. I really needed to cut it. I was tempted to add that I was about to be eighteen but it sounded childish, so I swallowed it. “How old are you?” I cross-questioned. I slid my fingers gingerly down the raised skin on my face.

“Twenty-seven, almost twenty-eight,” he declared proudly, like he had snagged those words from my head. His eyes followed the path my fingers took down my face.

The tension left my back at his teasing grin. I slumped forward. I was exhausted.

Darwin began rambling about his shop. He waved his arms in a great show of excitement. He irritated me but I almost liked him. There was something about the warmth in his voice and the kindness in his personality that forbade me from hating him. Every emotion he felt passed across his face. I looked down in to the murky liquid in my cup. I couldn’t force any emotions to surface on my face. Even when I smiled it looked fake. I looked back at him and watched his face light up with absolute delight. Could I trust someone who was so open?

He had sounded so determined. He looked strong. My fingers massaged a scratch on my neck. He probably could protect me, if he wanted. Even if it did seem like he couldn’t really take care of himself.

“It’s late,” Darwin squinted at the clock on the wall above me. “I’d offer to drive you home but you look like you might pass out on my kitchen floor.”

I stared at him, disgusted. The thought of touching that floor revolted me.

He chuckled at my look. “You can sleep in the guest room. It’s clean, I promise. I haven’t gone in there since… Well, never mind. It has its own bathroom. So… you can stay the night. Don’t protest.” He ordered and held up his hand when I opened my mouth to express my dissent. “And then you can go on your way, tomorrow.” He scratched his chin. “All right?” He stood and pulled his arms high above his head. I could hear his back pop. He rolled his shoulders and grinned at me.

“Okay,” I agreed. I rose. My body shook. I braced myself against the table. My legs felt weak. I could feel fatigue weighing down each one of my joints. The table was holding most of my weight.

“Shit,” Darwin cursed and stood quickly. He came near me, ready to catch me if I so much as glanced at the floor. “You look awful, kid.”

His eyes were soft with concern. “I’m fine,” I muttered, shoving myself away from the table with a forceful push. My muscles moaned and burned from the sudden movement. Those bastards had really taken a lot out of me. I straightened my shoulders with what remained of my pride and attempted to walk as normally as possible out of the room. Darwin followed close behind me. I probably looked like a wounded animal, slobbering and howling as I limped to my cave to lick my wounds.


	2. Cat Got Your Tongue?

I wanted to care. I really did. But every time I looked at people I felt tired. No matter how many times I blinked, or rubbed my eyes, the exhaustion never waned. I tried. I felt raw. Shredded. The slivers of my skin slid off my bones and landed on the ground. I waited. The dust and dirt stung on my wounds. People stared. Their eyes constantly mapped every single scar. Doctors wanted to take a knife and rip me open. They were searching, excavating. There had to be a problem beneath the folds of my skin. It was hiding somewhere. Was it in the crease of my elbow? Perhaps it was in the soft flesh between my fingers? Maybe it was empty memories of my childhood? Or maybe, just maybe, it was in the dark corner of my mind. It didn’t matter where it was. They were going to drag their scalpels from my toes to my eyes in hopes to uncover it. I couldn’t trust anyone. They were only out to hurt me.

 

Darwin didn’t look at me like he was trying to reopen my wounds. He didn’t look at the marks like he wanted to erase them or even cover them. He looked at me like I was delicate. He stared at me as though I was a fine piece of china with barely visible cracks shoved away in a cabinet with glass doors. I felt something odd within myself when I looked at him. The grainy behind my eyes disappeared at the sight of him.

On the other hand, his looks disgusted me. I felt too vulnerable when Darwin stared. I felt like Darwin could see beneath my skin without even trying. He looked at me like I was a new planet that was completely out of his solar system.

I laid awake on Darwin’s couch until I knew that he was asleep. I couldn’t handle it any longer. I had to clean.

He found me a few hours later, crouched in his kitchen. I scrubbed the floor mercilessly in quick, determined circles. I dipped the cloth into the bucket near my knees. My face was shoved against my other arm in attempt to keep from breathing in the fumes.

“Cyrus,” Darwin spoke.

I startled and slid sideways. I turned towards Darwin with a look of complete abashment.

I breathed heavily and could feel my face heat up. I dropped the rag back in the bucket with a loud slosh. “I couldn’t sleep,” I whispered, hoping that would somehow explain why I was cleaning someone else’s home. It wasn’t a lie, necessarily. I just didn’t actually try to sleep in the first place. I rubbed my latex gloves together. “I clean when I can’t sleep.” My body felt stiff. I felt like I should run away. The man was standing barefoot in the doorway of his newly clean kitchen. He rubbed at his face, seemingly taking everything in. I moved up onto one of my knees almost readying myself for Darwin to strike out in anger. I could easily flee in that position.

But instead of being angry, Darwin looked pleased. He grinned down at me. “Nice job.”

My forehead crinkled in confusion. He wasn’t pissed? “You’re not… angry?” I pulled at each finger of my left glove. The glove gave way and slid off. I threw it on the floor. The other soon followed.

“Mad?” Darwin chuckled and stepped back a bit. He looked around. “It looks fucking awesome in here. Hell. It looks better than when I bought it.”

I relaxed and sat back on my legs. “I’m glad you like it.” I was confused. One hand rose to hover in front of my face. It shook. I refused to feel pleased.

“You do this often?” He asked after a few moments of silence.

“Huh?” I peered up at him, utterly confused. I rubbed the side of my head. I had almost forgotten the beating I had taken the day before. 

“Stay up all night and clean,” Darwin clarified.

“It’s called coping,” I deadpanned. My upper lip curled in distaste. It wasn’t really called coping, but I hated explaining that part of my… condition.

“Coping with what?” Darwin leaned forward in interest. He attempted to glance candidly at the small scars in neat little rows on my arms.

I sneered, “coping with how fucking dirty this place is.” I shot up too quickly, causing my foot to bump into the bucket. It to slid back a few inches. Some of the water sloshed out. Fuck.

Darwin murmured, “Some people don’t need to go on crazy cleaning sprees to live peacefully.” He brought his voice down to the low hum that seemed to almost calm me down. I wanted to groan.

Darwin stepped off the carpet and into the kitchen. “Damn that’s cold.” He grimaced when his feet made contact.

“Some people don’t live in pigsties.” I hissed. I craned to look back at the clock on the wall. It was two a.m. I turned to look at him, again.

Darwin stepped backwards horrified by something in my in my expression.

“Take me home,” I demanded.

“It’s too early.” He yawned. “I’m going back to sleep.” He retreated to his room. He seemed bothered by something.

I waited until his snores drifted out of his room. I sighed. There was no reason to stay any longer. I crept quietly out of his place. I shut his front door softly. I slid down the stairwell. I hadn’t seen my bag since the day before.

I found it nestled against a bookcase. I dug through it, searching for my phone.  
A notification blinked onto my screen one missed call. It was from an unknown number at 3:31 a.m.

I wanted to groan.

I stumbled out of the store and into the cold air.

I didn’t have a car because I was labeled 'unfit to drive' the day I turned sixteen. I felt it was more too medicated to drive but I never went to medical school. I found my bike wedged in some bushes near the school. The town was silent and cold. Only a few early morning stragglers wandered the city. I almost hit the town drunk with my bike.

He slurred, “watch it!” as he reached out for my bike. He hobbled on as I swerved passed presumably looking for some place to pass out.

My parents were not there when I made it home. The house was empty and cold. A pill bottle and its cap lay out on the kitchen counter, the only sign that someone lived there. I had left it unscrewed in a hurry to get to class. The answering machine blinked next to the fridge. Everything in my home was stainless steel and ice cold. It wasn’t the physical type of cold, either. It was the type that was frozen from a lack of joy. Only the warmth of family could brighten a cold house.

I pressed the button on the machine and the mechanical voice said, “You have one unread message.”

"Hi, darling," my mother’s smooth and cringingly sweet voice rolled out of the machine. “Daddy and I decided to run around France for a bit! Oui, oui.” She giggled as her voice trailed off in an exaggerated slur of a French accent. “We’ll be back soon but no promises! Don’t forget about your appointment with Doctor Presley tomorrow. If you need more money, you know where the card is! Bye, Darling. Smooches!”

I pressed my face against the cool surface of the counter. Typical. When we had moved to this town, my mother said it would be different. She had stormed into the hospital, all smiles and bright jewelry, and demanded my release. She had locked her arms around me like a protective chain. She had stroked my hair and whispered false assurances into my ear. “It will be different,” she breathed. I ignored the smell of alcohol. “This will never happen again.” She promised.

We moved up north to a small town. My mother wanted to get as far away from my boarding school as possible. I don’t think that she understood that just coming back to the states was far from my Swedish boarding school. But sometimes it was just better to go along with whatever she said. She insisted that it was the school’s fault I had gotten myself mixed up with the wrong sorts. I was excited to be back with my parents. I should have known it was a lie.

When we entered the house, a huge brick place, it felt like a car crash in slow motion. It looked like a show room waiting for the perfect family. We were not the perfect family.  
My mother and father were caught up in their careers. The paparazzi never left them alone.

We were excited for one day. But then my parents left a few days later. They didn’t even unpack.

I left the kitchen and headed up the staircase. I slipped down the empty hallway. My room always made me feel safe. No matter how many moves, no matter how many boarding schools, I always found my room to be a sort of protective fortress. I could keep it as clean as possible. I could do anything. I never did much, though. I never painted. I liked things that were white. It calmed me. The psychiatrist I had when I was admitted to the hospital suggested that the lack of activity helped calm me. I agreed.

I had been admitted to the hospital only once. I had cut tiny slivers in my skin in the showers one night. It wasn’t my intention to kill myself. I just liked how freeing it was to see myself bleed. But I cut too deep once. My roommate found me lying in the shower. I was admitted to the psych ward soon after. I was banned from sharp objects. Nurses had to watch me shave for fear that my hand might slide a little lower and slit my throat. When my mother pulled me out, I was given a slew of fat pills that I had to choke down two times a day.

 

There were things that I could not escape. No matter how many pills they shoved down my throat, I could never escape the things I did. I could never escape myself. I was my only constant companion. I was messed up. When I was younger, I would fantasize about a life without those dark thoughts that made me want to hurt myself. I tried to remember what my life had been like before my incident, but I never could quite piece it together.

The doorbell rang. It shocked me. I knocked over one of the bottles of pills on my desk. I shakily pushed the pills into my hands. I dropped them back into the pill bottle one by one. I hoped whoever was at the door would take a fucking hint.

 

They didn’t. The doorbell rang again. I did not knock over the bottle again. I crept out of my room and slowly stepped down the stairs, gripping the banister with each step. Part of me hoped it was my parents. When I made it to the door, my hand hovered above the handle. I had to do it. I knew it. It could have been a teacher or someone my parents sent to make sure I hadn’t offed myself. My fingers gripped the handle and I opened the door.

Darwin was my visitor. He smiled at me and rubbed his hands together either self-consciously or from the cold. I couldn’t decide. We stared at each other for a moment. “Hey, Cyrus.” He said, breaking our staring contest.

“Stalking is illegal, Darwin.” I deadpanned. I pursed my lips with distaste.

He had the courtesy to look ashamed. “Uh, no, that’s not…” He chuckled and rubbed the back of his neck. “I’m not stalking you. But I woke up and you weren’t there. I was worried. Thought maybe you had passed out from the bleach fumes or something.”

“As you can see,” I said, hand gripping the door. “I’m fine.” I started to shut the door. But he reached out and stopped me.

 

“Listen,” he pleaded, stepping into my goddamn house. “Let me take you to breakfast… Or,” He licked his lips. “Something.”

I shook my head. My mouth was pressed into a thin line. I tried again to push the door closed against him. “If this is your sorry attempt at seduction, you’re failing.” My voice slid out of my mouth in a hiss.

His cheeks grew red. He cleared his throat. “There’s no harm in breakfast.” He pushed the door open further, successfully dislodging the thing from my grasp.

“Fine. But we eat here.” I grumbled and stepped back. He stepped forward quickly, almost tripping over his own feet. He was wearing the same jeans and the same boots. His hair stuck out at odd angles. His shirt was different but wrinkled. He had probably plucked it off the floor in haste.

“Wow,” Darwin exclaimed. He spun around. “This house is huge. Holy shit. Is that real marble? Whoa look at your kitchen.” And without even being invited, he disappeared into the kitchen.

The house shook when I slammed the door shut.

 

“You can’t just barge in to someone’s house like this. Didn’t your mother ever teach you to be courteous?” I hissed with rage as I entered the kitchen.

He turned around. His hand was rubbing the granite island like he had never felt the rock before. He looked out of place smack in the middle of my kitchen. He was messy. Mess and disheveled, but almost attractive in a disorderly kind of way. I sniffed with distaste.

 

“Nah,” he shook his head. His hair appeared even messier. “I’m an orphan.” He knocked his fist against the countertops. I swallowed thickly with embarrassment. “Speaking of which,” he turned his attention back to me. “Where are your parents?” He looked about the kitchen as though he would find my parents hiding in a drawer or in the cookie jar.

“Busy.” I responded, my tone terse and my shoulders tight. “Do you want cereal or what?”

“Cereal?” Darwin laughed heartily. “If that’s all you have, we’ll be going to breakfast.”

I huffed. “Fine, something other than cereal. But don’t complain if you don’t like my food.”

Darwin gave me an approving smile. “I’m sure it’ll be a meal of the gods.”

I grabbed a frying pan from one of the cabinets. When I went to retrieve the eggs, he was blocking my way. He was staring at the magazine clipping taped to my fridge. I knew that stupid picture by heart. It was of my mother. She was perfectly posed on a white couch. Her long blond hair was draped ever so delicately. Her beautifully pale skin shone. She had bright green eyes and an award-winning smile. I looked just like her, but in a less beautiful sort of way. I never really grew into my limbs. She was an actress. I couldn’t remember a time when she wasn’t beautiful.

“What’d you get from dear old dad?” Darwin asked, interrupting my thoughts.

At my inquiring look, he repeated, “What’d you get from your father? Appearance wise.” His hand reached over to touch a piece of my blonde hair. “I know what you got from your mother.” My brain screamed danger. I hated when people asked about my parents. “Your eyes? They’re enchanting.” His voice was almost a purr. “I’ve never seen a gray like that before.”

“Yes, his eyes.” That was more than enough. Everyone knew that my father was a lecher. He used his position as a director to get to women. He was not nearly as successful as my mother but he used her fame to his advantage. They were not monogamous. And when it came to keeping their image of a perfect marriage in tact, they were both accomplished actors. I jerked my head away from Darwin’s hand. I wished he would stop trying to touch me.

He didn’t seem bothered by my resistance. He simply turned back to the picture. “Accomplished Actress, Entrepreneur, Doting Mother, and Devoted Wife. How does she do it?” His voice turned sour as he read.

“Can I get in the goddamn fridge, please?” I groused, gesturing wildly at the door.

“Yeah, sure.” He said and stepped away. “He’s a director, right? Benedict Walden?”

“That’s the one.”

“Where are they now?” He inquired. I wished he would stop asking so many fucking questions.

“I don’t know,” I said, almost completely fed up. “If you’d really like to know, you’re welcome to go on to TMZ. I’m sure they’ll tell you where they are. Hell, they might even tell you who they’re fucking. I have some things they’ve signed. Do you want a picture with their freak son? I know that’s all you’re here for. Are you happy now that you’ve encountered their mysterious son? Come to see the freak in his natural habitat?” I slammed the carton of eggs on the counter. I was so angry. My face ached and my eyes stung. The words felt different in my mouth, wrong somehow. I knew he wasn’t like that but I couldn’t stop the anger from welling within me.

Darwin looked horrified. “No, no, no,” he exclaimed while throwing hands up in a defensive position. “I’m just trying to get to know you. I don’t give a shit about your parents. I want to know about you. They have to do with you. So, I’m going to ask.”

My throat felt tight. “Sure,” I grumbled and returned to cooking. I felt out of control. We were quiet for a while. I was so used to people coming after me for my parents. I had encountered many people that were excited to interact with a celebrity’s child. My parents’ fans didn’t usually know much about me. I had spent a large portion of my time under the radar. They knew I existed but up until the year before, they had known nothing about me.

 

“What are you making?” Darwin asked, peering down at the pan in my hand.

“Omelets, you heathen.” I grouched. I tried to ignore how close he was to my back. His breath ghosted my ear.

“Heathen?” He teased. His hand touched my side. I resisted the urge to jerk away. “Is this your form of foreplay?”

“If you’re flirting with me, you’re a pedophile. I’m underage.” I scoffed and turned to look at him. His attention made me feel disgusting.

He moved back and leaned against the island. After a few moments of contemplation, he shrugged. I turned back around. He chuckled and spoke under his breath, “if?”

 

If? What did that mean?

 

We stared at each other for a few moments. Darwin opened his mouth. The phone started to ring, interrupting whatever he was trying to say.

I stared at the phone. It continued to ring but I made no move to answer. Darwin shifted, drawing my attention to him.

“Aren’t you going to answer?” He asked, making a move like he was going to answer for me.

I didn’t respond and stepped towards it. It ceased ringing a mere second before I made contact with it. The answering machine beeped to life. “Cyrus, I can’t come get you. I called your parents but your father said he didn’t have the time to find you another ride.” The woman on the other line sighed. She had been taking me to my appointments for a while. We never spoke. She would drop me off at the office and when I was done with my appointments, she would take me home. She was silent for a moment, as if contemplating her next sentence. “You’ll have to find a ride.” The message ended without even a goodbye.

I almost melted against the counter top. My knees bent forward and pressed against the wooden cabinet. “I need…” I twisted my body around and looked back at the other male. I did not want to ask him. I did not fucking want to ask him. “A ride. I need you to take me to my appointment.” It was the only option. If I missed an appointment they’d ship me right back to the hospital. No questions asked. I stood. My legs shook.

“Are you sick?” Darwin inquired, a frown on his face.

I relaxed at his words but my eyes felt cloudy. “You could say that.”

Darwin narrowed his eyes. The omelet burned.

 

\---

 

Sometimes, I would wake up and feel totally in control of my life. However, I did not feel in control on that particular day, especially not with Darwin sitting on my bed. I had left him in the kitchen with a promise that I would be back when I finished taking a shower. He didn’t stay in the kitchen. When I left the bathroom, hair sopping wet and clad only in a towel, he was sitting on my bed with an expectant look. I felt nervous. I recoiled and crossed my arms over my chest. My hands wrapped around the scars on my arms.

 

“What does this mean?” He asked. He tapped his pencil against the paper in his lap. He looked at ease in my room. “If you say my name, I’m not here anymore. What am I?”

I shook my head. “Get out.”

 

Darwin looked up, “come on. Seven letters.”

“Seriously,” I said. I turned my back to him. “Get out. Before I call the police.”

He made a disgruntled noise. “Who’s going to take you to your appointment?”

“Maybe the cops will take me. I’m sure they won’t mind, seeing as how they circle by my house every fucking day.” I slammed the bathroom door shut.

 

\--

When I came back, he was gone. I found him in the sitting room watching some cooking show. We traveled the long thirty minutes to the nearest big city. Darwin had attempted small talk but I kept my eyes on the road and my mouth sealed shut. I convinced myself that if I ignored Darwin long enough, he would leave me at the entrance and not follow me up the narrow stairs. My hopes had been smashed when the man had parked his old truck in the almost empty parking lot and had exited the vehicle. The sky was dreary and the cold air stung. I made it quite clear that Darwin didn’t need to come but the man just brushed passed me, his hands shoved in his jacket pockets.

 

The waiting room smelled like bleach. A woman sat in a chair in the corner. Her eyes were glazed over and her face was hollow. I had seen the same look in the mirror during the months following my ‘incident’. She rubbed her hands together and muttered to herself. When we made eye contact, she hissed like a disturbed cat. I stiffened and moved a little closer to Darwin. The chairs were a paisley blue. Cheery posters were plastered to the walls.

 

Take Care of Yourself

Appreciate Those Who Are Responsible for Your Success

You Can Do Anything With a Little Bit of Help

 

Each poster had a picture of a fuzzy, baby animal. The underlying message was Take Your Fucking Meds, You Crazy Fuckers.

The secretary leaned back in her chair. She chomped her gum as her fake nails clicked across the keyboard of her phone. She made eye contact with me for a millisecond before returning back to her ‘important’ conversation with a snap of her gum. I assumed she was either sexting or gossiping about me. Even though my parents had paid good money to keep my psychiatrist quiet, they never thought about her loud-mouthed secretary. She smacked her gum, stopped her texting for a moment, looked at Darwin, and then returned to her phone.

Darwin took her look as an invitation and stepped forward to her desk. I scowled and grasped Darwin’s wrist. When he looked back at me, I shook my head.

“Don’t you need to check in?” Darwin asked with lips pursed in confusion. He gave the busybody a wary look.

“She knows I’m here.” I whispered. I pulled Darwin in the direction of the too plush chairs, steering clear of the dazed woman. It would be a disaster if that bitch sunk her claws into Darwin.

Darwin nodded curtly, “all right. I guess you’re the expert here.” He plopped down in a chair and reclined. Of course he would be comfortable in a psychiatrist’s office.

We sat in silence. The clock ticked softly over our heads.

“It’s freezing in here.” Darwin rubbed his arms. “What is it with Doctor’s offices and being fucking freezing?”

I titled my head in acknowledgement. I wanted to tell Darwin that the cold was to keep the patients aware and responsive. I looked to the woman in the corner. Or… it was supposed to. The raw feeling had returned. I desperately wanted Darwin to leave. Hell, I wanted to leave.

Darwin reached over and squeezed my thigh. When I looked at the bastard, he smiled. The gesture was meant to be soothing but the feeling of his hand unnerved me. I counted to ten, hoping to force myself to relax. It wasn’t fair that Darwin deemed it acceptable to be so affectionate. It wasn’t fair that I was in the situation to begin with.

 

My psychiatrist chose that moment to swoop through her office door like a bat. I called her Dr. Grim. Her mouth was always pinched and she always seemed disapproving. Her eyes took in Darwin’s hand on my thigh. I shoved it away.

“Cyrus.” She said, her tone ordered me to her office. She turned quickly on her heels and stormed into her office. My mother liked her because she had a very unrelenting attitude about medication. It didn’t matter if I was selling myself on the highway as long as I took my medication on time.

I stood and gave Darwin a look. “Stay here.” I gestured towards him in hopes to erect a force field to keep him in his goddamn seat.

Dr. Grim’s office smelled like scented candles. There was a box of tissues on the coffee table for those who couldn’t keep a hold on their emotions. She always wanted me to open up and let her in. But it was hard to let a SWAT team operative into the mental asylum that was my brain. She was the type of psychiatrist to charge in, guns blazing. I had a lot of psychiatrists of the years. Some tried to be my friends, some tried to be my parents, and others tried to be my warden.

“Who’s your friend?” She asked. She did not look at me. Her hair was in a tight bun that was slicked back. It looked painful. Her real name was Sarah Presley. She was a ‘wonderful psychiatrist who could crack even the toughest bad egg’. That’s what my mother had said.

I pulled at the bottom of my shirt. She scribbled on her clipboard. I assumed she was trash talking me or maybe writing erotic fiction. She sighed and turned to her computer.

I laid down on her couch and I slept, just like I had done every appointment for the last few months.

She woke me up when my hour was up. I stumbled out, eyes bleary from sleep. Darwin looked like he was about to die from boredom. When he saw me, he perked up and smiled.

Dr. Grim looked Darwin up and down. “You’re new.” It wasn’t a question, but Darwin took it as such.

“Oh, yeah. His other ride couldn’t make it so he asked me to take him.” Darwin said, casually, like he hadn’t just ruined my life.

The word asked hung in the air. Dr. Grim opened her mouth and then closed it. Everything screeched to a halt. Even the secretary stopped texting. “He… Speaks to you?” Grim asked, completely aghast.

“Well, yeah. He’s not mute. He’s fiery, too. But I’m sure he sasses you just the same.” He chuckled. But when he glanced at me and saw the look on my face, he cringed. His face drained of color and he brought his hand up to the collar of his shirt. He pinched the fabric and pulled it forward like it was suddenly too hot. He cleared his throat while staring at Dr. Grim, “you didn’t know?”

My world shattered.

“No. He doesn’t talk to anyone. This changes everything. Everyone thought… I thought…” She was frightened. She spoke quickly, as if in a panic. “Cyrus?” She turned to me, giving me a look that made my hair stand on end.

“Fuck you.” My skin tingled with excitement. Those were first words I had ever said to her. Anger tinted my cheeks pink and caused my skin to prickle. My voice spat out of my mouth like bullets. I couldn’t say anything else. I just kept repeating, “Fuck you.” I turned to the secretary, who looked at me over her phone. I pointed an accusing finger at her. “Fuck. You.”

She gaped, open mouthed, looking like a man I had seen in the mental ward once. She dropped her phone. It smacked against the desk.

I bolted towards the door, leaving the three of them standing in the middle of the waiting room. I dashed out into the parking lot. I ran, hard, until I couldn’t breathe and my legs tingled. I didn’t make it very far. I only to the end of the parking lot.

Darwin caught up with me seconds later. He wasn’t even out of breath. “I’m so sorry,” he whined. “I didn’t know. I wouldn’t have said anything. I completely fucked up.”

“That word you were looking for,” I managed to whisper. I breathed heavily through my mouth. My face felt hot. I looked up at him and his eyes roamed my face, searching for something. I felt like crying. It didn’t matter that he had accidentally revealed my secret. I couldn’t stay quiet forever. Someone was going to eventually see me talking to him. It really didn’t matter.

“What word?” He questioned, leaning towards me. He looked horrified. He also looked like he wanted to hug me.

“Seven letters.” I tried to swallow but I felt like my brain was going to explode. It throbbed inside my head. Oh god. I had talked to him because he was annoying. Because of it, everyone and their fucking mother was going to know that I could talk, that I did talk. I couldn’t hide behind it anymore. I back at the building and saw Dr. Grim peering down at us through her blinds. When she realized I could see her, she shut them closed. I returned my attention to Darwin. “Silence.”

“What?” His voice was soft. He adapted that low tone when he was trying to calm me down. His hands hovered next to my arms, a few centimeters from touching. He always seemed to be stuck in some weird limbo between touching and not touching like he couldn’t decide whether he should or not.

“Silence. The word. The answer to your fucking riddle is silence.” I whispered, voice hoarse. Tears streamed from my eyes like I had turned the faucet in my head on and left it running.

Different emotions passed over Darwin’s face. Confusion, pain, irritation, and then, he hugged me. He pulled me full against his chest. My face was squished against his shirt, his hand kept me pinned. “I understand,” he began to pet my hair. “You don’t have to go anywhere, though. You don’t have to disappear. I’ll keep you safe.”

He was warm. And after a few moments, I returned the hug.


	3. The Company We Keep

“I want to take you somewhere,” Darwin whispered in my ear during our embrace. We had been hugging for a very long time. I thought it was too long, but my body thought I should stay nestled in his arms for the rest of eternity. He had smelled so good that I couldn’t find a reason to break the embrace.

I pulled back and looked up at him. His cheeks were flushed from either the cold or embarrassment, I couldn’t tell. “Where?” His arms were still wrapped around my waist. There was something humbling about being held. I felt like a real person. One of his hands came up to touch some of my hair. I did not move away.

“It’s a surprise.” He grinned. He looked at me like I was special. He twirled my hair. “How do you get your hair this soft?” He mused.

“Sixty dollar shampoo,” I murmured. I wanted to lean into his touch. I felt so stupid and ridiculous. It felt like there were butterflies flitting around my stomach. It was distasteful. I stepped backwards, breaking contact. “Can we go to your surprise now? It’s freezing.” I complained. I wasn’t lying. Without Darwin’s body heat smothering my senses, it had gotten considerably colder.

Darwin looked disappointed at the break in contact. “Yeah,” he shoved his hands in his pockets. “Come on.”

We walked back to his truck. When we took off we drove in the direction opposite of town. “If you’re kidnapping me you won’t get much money.” I said, nervously. I didn’t think he would kidnap me, but who knew.

Darwin looked at me, eyebrows raised. “I wouldn’t worry about that. I’d end up giving you back right away.”

I crossed my arms. It was freezing. “Oh, yeah? Why’s that? Not your type?” I groused.

“You’re definitely my type.” He turned on the heat. The truck filled with warmth. “You wouldn’t make a very good hostage is all I’m saying.”

I felt appalled and I couldn’t figure out why. Why would I be upset that he didn’t want to kidnap me? “Why?” I asked. I had to find out.

“Well, I imagine a normal hostage would do anything to make sure they stayed alive. But you’d probably give me shit about the floor being dirty,” He chuckled. He gripped the steering wheel tightly. “You’re too fiery. I’m not sure if I could handle that, even with oven mitts.” He gave me cheeky grin.

“You think you’re so clever,” I groaned. I wasn’t really that spirited. It was only around Darwin that I became quick-tempered.

“I really do.”

We were quiet for a long while. The thought of being kidnapped by Darwin wasn’t horribly unappetizing. I didn’t like being home. I didn’t really like my parents. I merely tolerated Darwin and I almost wished he would hug me again. He turned into a residential area. “Where are we going?” I really hoped he wasn’t going to kill me.

“It’s a surprise,” Darwin hummed. “I don’t know how much you’ll like it, though.”

I gave him a look. “What kind of a surprise is that?”

 

“I’m not very good at surprises,” he explained. He smiled at me sheepishly. “It’s more about me, actually.” He parked near the curb in front of a home.

I looked at him, confused. “You?”

“Yeah, I want to share something with you.” He looked uncomfortable for a few moments. He sighed. “You shared something with me. I want to share with you. It’s not really a thing, though.”

“Is it a place?” I tilted my head with curiosity. I felt myself flush with pleasure. He wanted to share with me. He found out about me and planned on giving back. He wasn’t just taking.

“I’m an orphan.” He said, slowly. He unbuckled his seatbelt and turned to look at me. “My parents died in a car crash when I was younger. Luckily, my grandmother took me, and my siblings, in. My family is very special to me. You let me in your life by letting me come to your appointment. I want to return the favor by letting you into my life.” He rubbed his hands against his jeans. He was apprehensive. He thought I was going freak out or something. “I want to show you that family is not supposed to be that way.”

He was referring to my absentee parents. My mouth was dry. I was skittish. He wanted me to meet his family. How weird was that? Wasn’t that something you did with your girlfriend after like four months of dating? I thought I understood. Even though Darwin forced himself into my life, I didn’t have to let him in. I looked at him.

He had turned back to the steering wheel. He was blushing. He nervously tapped his fingers against the steering wheel. I didn’t really understand why he wanted to get to know me. “Why?”

“What? I just explained why.” He looked at me, perplexed.

“No, not that. Why me? Why are you doing all of this? Why have you been protecting me?” It didn’t make sense. My mother said that nothing was for free. Why was he doing this? I could live my life without his help and he knew that but he was still bugging me.

“Isn’t it obvious, Cyrus?” He croaked with embarrassment. There was some weird emotion in his eyes. He was blushing even more. “I like you.” I could barely hear what he said.

He was probably having some sort of mental breakdown. Maybe my parents had paid him to keep an eye on me, that made sense. He was really weird anyways.

Wait.

“What?” I whispered, horrified. He liked me? Liked me how?

He shrugged. “I like you. I want to be there for you.” He smiled at me. “We should go inside. They know we’re here.” He looked at the house. He killed the engine and threw open his door. He jumped out of the truck with out another word.

I tried to pick my jaw up off of the floor. How could he just say something like that and just leave? He liked me? I scratched the back of my head. He liked me in a sexual manner. I watched him walk up to the front door of the house. He was attractive. I often found myself appreciating his form. I knew that. He was a bit older, though. I guessed that it made sense. Normally, you take care of the people you like, right? That was why Brad broke my nose when I ran into Tiffany. He liked her and wanted to protect her. Right?

I didn’t know. I was practically hopeless when it came to other human beings. I had never really gotten close to other people. I didn’t know what you were supposed to feel when you liked someone. I knew that I found Darwin annoying. Was annoying synonymous with like? No, that couldn’t be it. Maybe he was confused. He didn’t act like he liked me, right? I dug my phone out of my pocket. I clicked onto the browser and typed in How do you know when a guy likes you? 

That was a good start. Google had yet to fail me. I clicked on the first link.

 

1\. He smiles at you a lot.

I frowned. Darwin did that.

2\. He defends you.

He did that, too.

3\. He uses any excuse to touch you.

 

I grimaced and shoved my phone back into my pocket. I was hopeless and it was starting to get cold in the truck. I looked at the home Darwin had disappeared in. I knew I had to go in there. I thought about staying in the truck until Darwin came looking for me but I didn’t want to die of hypothermia. I groaned and opened the door. I slid out of the truck. Every home on the block looked the same. This one had chimes hanging in the doorway. There were cars parked in the driveway. The place looked well taken care of. All of the leaves were raked in to a big pile. There were children’s toys in the grass.

I walked through the grass and up to the front door. There was a sign hanging by the door. Home is where you are. I swallowed. That was… weird? I shook it off and pressed the doorbell. There was a part of me that worried the thing was busted. It would be just my luck to be stuck outside all night because I was too afraid to knock after I rang the doorbell.

Darwin opened the door. There was a smug look on his face and a beer in his hand. “Took you long enough. I was beginning to think you’d run off.” He smiled at me and took a swig of his beer. “Come on. You’re probably freezing.” He stepped aside and I walked in. It was warm. The place smelled like food. My stomach growled in response.

 

“Don’t feel pressured to talk to anyone, okay?” He said in that soft tone. He leaned close to me. His breath smelt like beer. “If they ask you anything, and you don’t respond, they’ll get the hint.” His hand rested on my back. He squeezed my shoulder reassuringly. It made me think that he had told them not to pressure me in to responding. I blushed. That was very considerate.

 

I didn’t want him to think that I was appreciative, though. I gave him a dirty look. He let go of my shoulder. I followed him down a small hallway. There was another sign hanging on the wall. Please excuse the mess… We live here. How ghastly, I shuddered. People could live somewhere and keep it tidy. At least, I could. I followed Darwin out into the living room. He looked completely at ease. It made sense, though. I stopped to look at the pictures on the wall. I saw a teenage Darwin standing next to a lake. He was holding a fish and smiling. He looked proud of himself.

There were three men sitting in the living room around the TV. One of them seemed bored. He was wearing glasses and glanced down at his watch when we walked in. The other two were arguing about the game.

 

“Hey, will you idiots stop fighting for a second?” Darwin called out to them. He stepped aside to allow me to come into the living room. They stopped their fighting and turned towards us. “This is Cyrus.” They regarded me coolly. I stepped closer to Darwin. He wrapped his arm around my shoulder.

“I’m Sam.” The one with the glasses said. He looked exhausted. There were dark circles under his eyes. “Nice to meet you.” He was thin. His hair was dark black. He didn’t look related to Darwin at all.

The other two were twins. They had the same boyish faces and shaggy brown hair. “Mark.” Said one. “Thom.” Said the other.

They looked like Darwin. I could see it in their eyebrows and messy hair. “Nice to meet you,” I muttered. Darwin squeezed my arm. He was pleased. I told myself that I had only talked because I didn’t feel like I had to.

“You made him stay out in the truck?” Sam asked. He glanced at Darwin.

“He wouldn’t come in.” Darwin explained, shaking his head.

He directed me to the kitchen. The smell of food flooded my senses. I was starving.

A blonde woman bounced a baby next to the fridge. She had the same dark circles under her eyes as Sam. “He cries all night,” she moaned.

“Honey, that’s what babies do.” A woman, who I assumed to be Darwin’s grandmother, was kneading dough on a counter. There were various dishes around her. She shook her head at the other woman. “It’ll get better as he gets older. I promise.” Her dark hair was streaked with grey and pulled up in a bun. When she saw us, she ginned. Her smile looked a lot like Darwin’s.

“Hello!” She exclaimed as she brushed flour from her hands. “You must be Cyrus.” She rushed forward but hesitated a small distance in front of me. “I’m Darwin’s grandmother. My name is Sandy.” She grinned but I could tell she was nervous.

Darwin stepped closer to me. I held my hand out to her, hoping she would shake my hand and then leave me alone. I was silently thankful for the long sleeves of my sweater. I hated when people could see my scars. “Good afternoon, ma’am.” My voice was barely a whisper. Instead of taking my hand, she came forward and embraced me. I stiffened and pulled away. I could see where Darwin learned how to be overly affectionate.

“I’m sorry, dear!” Sandy exclaimed, frowning. “I’m a hugger and I forget that people don’t really like people touching them.” She laughed nervously.

Darwin turned to me and said, “We’ll be right back.”

“Okay,” I murmured. Where were they going? Darwin gave his grandmother an indescribable look. He turned and she followed him out a door at the back of the kitchen.

The other woman was sitting on a barstool. Her baby was staring at me with one hand shoved in his mouth. He giggled when he caught me looking. His mother smiled at me and said, “I’m Kat, Darwin’s sister.” She gestured to the stool next to her. “Come sit down. You look exhausted.”

I sat next to her. I was very tired. What did normal people do in situations like this? “I didn’t sleep very well last night.” I offered. I hoped that was the right thing to say. I almost cursed myself when I realized that she had just been complaining about a lack of sleep.

Instead of being angry, she looked empathetic. “I understand how you feel. This little bundle of joy keeps us up every night.” She patted the baby’s stomach in emphasis.

“It must be hard to love someone who causes you so much anguish.” I deadpanned. I tilted my head at the child.

Kat looked surprised. She spoke and all the words fell out of her mouth like she had to prove her point right then. “No, honey,” She said, adapting the same pet name her grandmother had used minutes before. She sagged with exhaustion. “I’m not anguished over the fact that my baby keeps me up all night. I know it’s just a fact of life. I love George. He’s my son. I could never resent him for doing what he’s supposed to do. Babies cry.” She looked at me like she pitied me. She had soft brown eyes. She had to be around the same age as Darwin, maybe a little younger.

“Oh,” was the only thing I could manage to say. She loved her son even though he kept her up all night. I drew circles with my finger on the counter top. “Sorry,” I murmured.

“Are you fucking kidding me?” Someone screamed from the living room.

Kat rolled her eyes. She leaned forward and plopped the baby in my lap. I gripped him tightly. “Time for me to do some damage control,” she winked.

How could she just leave me alone with her kid? The baby looked up at me with large, blue eyes and giggled. He drooled. “You’re gross,” I whispered. He screamed with laughter and reached out. He gripped my sweater with a saliva-covered hand. He began to babble with excitement like he was telling me some riveting story. “Is that so?” I murmured. I didn’t attempt to dislodge his grip. I feared I might drop him in the process.

Darwin took that moment to return. He stamped his feet against the rug in front of the backdoor. “Sorry about that.” He apologized. When he saw the baby in my arms, he smiled. “Aww, wook at wittle Georgie with wittle Cywus.” The baby let go of me and held his arms out for Darwin. He swooped in and pulled the baby from my grasp. The baby screeched with laughter.

I resisted the urge to plug my ears. “Why are you talking like that?” I questioned, my tone was full of distaste.

He looked up from the baby and gave me a confused look. “What do you mean? That’s how you’re supposed to talk to babies. They’re adowable.” He giggled. The baby was clearly enjoying it.

“It drools.” I groaned, staring down at the slobbery mess that the baby had left on my sweater. I looked up at Darwin with irritation. “I am not ‘wittle’, you asshole.” I hissed, remembering what he had said.

“Maybe,” he hummed. He held the baby in one arm and stroked my hair with his free hand. He was trying to comfort me. George laid his head on Darwin’s shoulder.

“Pedophile,” I grimaced. The butterfly feeling had returned.

“Hey,” he exclaimed. “Don’t say that while I’m holding a baby!” He teased. “It’s not my fault that you’re cute.”

“I’m not cute. I’m seventeen.” I felt my face flush. I guess he really did like me. Now I had to answer a different question. Did I like him?

“Is there an age limit on cute? Do you reach a certain age and have to be described by a different adjective?” He said, lowly. The baby had fallen asleep on his shoulder.

I refused to respond to his questions. I changed the subject by asking, “is it some holiday?”

Darwin recoiled with shock. “Cyrus,” he said slowly. “Tomorrow is thanksgiving.”

“What? That can’t be right!” I declared. Was it really?

He looked nauseated. “Didn’t your parents mention it? Don’t you celebrate with your family?”

I shook my head. I felt weak and dizzy. “No. No one mentioned it.” I cradled my face in my hands. It made sense why there were various turkey themed decorations around town. Wasn’t it just Halloween?

When I was younger, Thanksgiving was wonderful. I remember spending time with relatives and gorging myself on food. My parents stopped talking to our family after my mother became famous. My mother insisted that our family was greedy for our time and our money. After my grandparents died, everyone else stopped trying to contact us.

“Did you assume you were just skipping class today?” He questioned, his lips were pressed together in a thin line. He sounded so angry. George let out a small cry. Darwin made a shushing sound in hopes to soothe the baby.

“I don’t go to class on Wednesday’s. I have appointments every Wednesday.” I muttered, defeated. I rolled my shoulders. “Why are you guys having thanksgiving on Wednesday anyways?”

“My siblings have in-laws that celebrate on Thanksgiving Day.” He looked so concerned. “Hold on for a second.” He went into the living room. When he came back, the baby was gone. He sat next to me.

“When are you parents coming back, Cyrus?” He questioned. He seemed really concerned. “Where are they?” His tone was gentle.

“I don’t know,” I stared down at my lap. “They’re in France. They said they’d be back at some point. I just don’t know when.”

“How often do they fucking do this?” He demanded, leaned forward, and grabbed my shoulders. He turned me towards him and stared me down.

“Uh.” God, why were we always having story time? Why couldn’t he just leave me alone?

“Okay,” he sighed. He realized I wasn’t going to answer. He tried again. “How often have they been home in the last year?”

I thought about it for a moment. I shrugged his hands off my shoulders. “Like six times.”

“Six times? And how long did they stay?” He pestered. I wished he would stop.

“I don’t want to talk about this. I don’t want to be that person that constantly whines about being lonely. I’ve taken care of myself up to this point.” I hated him for asking so many questions.

“It’s not right.” He cursed. “Fuck your parents.”

“Darwin!” Sandy called from the doorway. “Honestly, it’s like I haven’t taught you anything!”

Darwin blushed. “Sorry, grandma. I was jus-“

She cut him off. “No excuses! Get out of the kitchen. I have things I need to finish.” It was funny. I never imagined seeing Darwin get yelled at.

 

She banished us from the kitchen. But instead of going back to the living room, Darwin led me to the backdoor. It was freezing when we stepped out on into the fenced backyard.

 

“Is that a swing?” I could see my breath in the air as I spoke. There was something hanging from a tree at one edge of the backyard.

“Yeah, wanna swing?” Darwin’s question was soft, like he was still subdued from the scolding. He didn’t wait for my answer. He brushed passed me and headed towards the swing. I followed. It was one of those makeshift swings made out of a piece of plywood and rope.

He gripped the swing with one hand and gestured with the other. “Sit down. I’ll push you.” I complied.

It was amazing. I was horrified and excited at the same time. I couldn’t remember the last time I had been on a swing. I felt like my stomach was going to come out of my feet. The air stung my face. My hands were numb as I gripped onto the rope. I ignored the way it burned my palms. Darwin almost launched me off the swing with each push. There was no way that swing was safe, but I didn’t care. I felt like I was flying. I screeched. At some point, he stopped pushing me but I didn’t really notice. I continued to swing for a few more minutes.

“Darwin!” I exclaimed as I dug my feet into the ground. I stopped swinging. Darwin came to stand in front of me. He looked bewildered.

“Are you okay?” He asked, gripping onto the rope tightly. “You look scared.”

“It was so much fun!” I cried. I was really excited.

“Then why’d you stop?” Darwin inquired. “You looked like you were having fun.”

“I don’t know.” I said. I really didn’t. “I guess it was because I was really cold.” I kind of wanted him to know that I was having fun.

“That’s because you’re only wearing a sweater. I’m sure it’s warm inside but it’s too light out here.” He shrugged out of his jacket. And before I could protest, he put it around my shoulders.

It smelled just like him. “I didn’t know I was going to be going on an excursion today or I would have dressed the part.” I muttered, defending myself. I pulled the jacket closer to me. It really was cold out. He was the one who had brought me to his grandmother’s place. He was the one that tried to say that he liked me and that he wanted to share with me. I shook my head. “You’re insane,” I told him. I glared up at him.

“I know,” he whispered. His tone was low and breathy. He cupped one side of my face with his hand. There was that emotion shining in his eyes again. His cheeks were flushed and his lips were parted. He leaned closer to me. “You’re something special, too.” His voice had gone gravelly.

He leaned in closer. He was going to kiss me. I knew it but I couldn’t pull away. I was so conflicted. The warmth of his coat smothered my senses. I closed my eyes because I couldn’t bear to watch. His scent invaded my nostrils. I exhaled.

He kissed me. His lips met mine softly, as if he was testing my response. I was so embarrassed that I didn’t move. His hand gripped the back of my head. I kissed him back and he groaned. He pulled back and looked at me. I stared at him, absolutely horrified. He licked his lips before dipping in to kiss me again. This time it was harder. Our lips smashed together. In my eagerness, we bumped teeth. I felt so stupid. It was so new. I wound my arms around his neck. It was so nice, almost perfect, that I didn’t want it to stop. His lips were so soft. I moaned around his tongue.

“Darwin!” Sandy called from the doorway. Darwin pulled back, cursing. “Come inside! Your sisters are here.” The door slammed closed.

Darwin pressed his forehead to mine. He breathed heavily.

“She saw us.” I hissed, detaching myself from him. I was so embarrassed. I wanted to run home and bury myself beneath the covers.

“Nah, she’s near blind.” He leaned forward and pressed a kiss to the top of my head.

I scowled.

“Come on. Let’s go meet my other sisters.”


	4. A Fox in the Henhouse

The living room was alive by the time Darwin convinced me to come inside. I could hear the hum of conversation. I shrugged his jacket off by the back door. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to answer the questions I would receive if I wore it around his family. Darwin’s hand rested against my middle back. It urged me forward until we both stood in the entryway of the living room. I felt smothered. My breath caught in my throat. There were too many people. I tried to move backwards, hoping to make my escape, but Darwin’s hand was pressed hard against my back.

“Come on,” he whispered, leaning in close. His breath tickled my ear. “Just humor me a little longer.” 

I looked up at him, completely ready to tell him to fuck off, but the look on his face made me reconsider. He was practically beaming. It was like the thought of me being there made him so happy he could hardly contain it. I felt flustered. It had been such a long time since anyone had eagerly wanted to be in my presence. “All right,” I agreed.

Darwin’s hand moved to squeeze my shoulder. “I’ll make it up to you.” He promised. There was a strange glint in his eyes that made me think he was going to kiss me again. 

He guided me towards a couple talking with Sam. The girl was short, with wavy brown hair. Her boyfriend had his arm wrapped possessively around her waist. I looked at his back and almost screamed. My heartbeat thumped loudly in my ears. I froze. I knew who he was. His letterman jacket was colored gold and black, just like my school’s colors. Written on the back of his jacket, in fuzzy white letters, was the name Porter. I wanted to vomit. When Darwin tried to push me forward, I dug my feet into the carpet.

“Cyrus,” Darwin pleaded. The hand on my back pushed harder. “Just meet my sister Tiffany and then we can go back outside.”

I shook my head, quickly. I tried to ignore the way my heart wanted to beat out of my chest. “No, Darwin.” I started but the words wouldn’t leave my mouth. How was I going to tell him that his sister was literally dating the devil?

Brad and his girlfriend turned to face us. Tiffany squealed when she saw Darwin. She ran and threw herself into Darwin’s arms.

Brad smirked at the sight of me. His eyes dragged down my body slowly. His head tilted to the side. He brought the drink in his hand up to his lips.

My head began to throb. The word freak repeated itself in time with the thump of my heartbeat. I began to back away. I needed to distance myself from him as quickly as possible. I glanced towards Darwin. He was talking animatedly to Tiffany. I screwed my eyes shut and shook my head. I couldn’t believe what was happening. I wanted to cry. Brad was going to kill me. He was going to kill me in front of Darwin and all of his family members.  
Someone behind me chuckled. “If you shake your head any harder, it might just fly right off.” I turned to find one of the twins grinning down at me. His eyes shone with mirth.

I peered up at him suspiciously but didn’t respond. I could practically feel Brad’s gaze burning into the back of my head.

He cleared his throat. “Sorry about our weird introduction earlier.” He continued, seemingly sensing that I had no intention of responding. “Mark and I can get in kind of heated arguments sometimes. You didn’t exactly look really comfortable to begin with.”

I chewed the inside of my cheek. I didn’t necessarily want to speak with this twin but I couldn’t face turning back towards Brad. I knew I was going to have to contribute to this conversation. “What’s your name?” I exclaimed.

He looked surprised. “Thom,” he said. “With an H.”

I flushed. I was never any good at small talk. “Sorry, I’m not very good with names.”

He grinned. “That’s fine!” He tapped his fingers against his jeans for a few seconds. He seemed to be thinking over his next sentence very carefully. “So,” he cleared his throat again. “How long have you and my brother been… uh...” He trailed off.

I raised my eyebrows.  
Thom squirmed under my gaze. “You know.” He offered, as if that would clear up my confusion.

“No, I don’t.” I deadpanned. I tried to keep my cool. My body was hyperaware of how close Brad was. I could hear him speaking to Darwin about a football game.

“Fucking.” The other twin clarified, joining our conversation. I was startled. I couldn’t remember when he had even approached us.

“What?” I spluttered. I could feel my face redden. They thought we were having sex? I stepped backwards, horrified. “We’re not… He’s not. I’m not.”  
“Don’t act so innocent. We saw you swapping spit in the backyard.” Mark rolled his eyes.

“Yeah,” Thom agreed. “You were wearing his jacket when you came in.” They both stepped closer to me. 

“You’re a little young,” Mark noted.

“How old are you, anyways?” Thom asked.

“17.” I choked out. This wasn’t good.

“God,” Mark groaned and exchanged a look with Thom.

I gaped at both of them. My heart was beating rapidly. I felt like I was going to pass out. My hands began to shake. I tried to ignore how relieved I felt when Sandy appeared and called everyone to dinner. The family began to head towards the dining room. I thought I would have the chance to slip out unnoticed. Darwin caught up with me before I could escape.

He touched the top of my head and mussed up my hair. I wanted to kick him. “Just a little longer,” he murmured to me. “Then we can leave.” He seemed to sense my discomfort.

The dining room had a large table covered with various dishes. I found myself seated between Darwin and Kat. Brad and Tiffany sat across from us. Brad stared me down from across the table.

“I didn’t have enough time to introduce you to my other sisters.” Darwin found my hand under the table and squeezed it. It made me feel slightly more comfortable. “This is my baby sister Tiffany and her boyfriend Brad.”

Tiffany smiled mechanically and spoke in a sickly sweet tone, “I think we go to school together.” I touched the top of my nose lightly. And even though it had healed months ago, it began to ache. She knew who I was. She had witnessed him break my nose. She had also seen him shove me down the stairs.  
Brad nodded in agreement. “Yeah, I think I’ve seen you around.” That dark emotion had returned to his eyes.

I felt like I was going to be sick. Did Darwin know what Brad had done to me? Was this all some sort of sick joke to earn my trust and then turn me over to the guy who been hurting me?

“And this is my sister Alex and her fiancé Chris.” He continued. He seemed to be completely oblivious to my pain. He nodded towards a man and woman sitting next to Tiffany. The woman smiled at me pleasantly. She had a kind face and light brown hair. Her hair was braided neatly. Chris had bright red hair and his face was covered with dark brown freckles. He had a nose ring.

“It’s really rad to meet you.” Alex said warmly.  
“Yeah, definitely!” Chris agreed. There was a spark of mischief in his eyes. “How do you get your hair that blonde? You should give Kat some tips.” He teased.

“Hey, carrot for brains,” Kat called from the end of the table. She was trying to put George in his highchair. “Don’t you have an anti-thanksgiving rally to attend to protest the slaughter of turkeys or something?”

“No. This week I’m aiming at big companies. Like the companies who make hair dye, for instance.” He laughed when Kat flipped him off.

“Now, now,” Sandy called from the head of the table. “Let’s pray and eat.”

The family bowed their heads to pray. I made the mistake of keeping my head up. Brad locked eyes with me. I shuddered. He looked liked he wanted to jump across the table and tear me apart. I sat farther back in my chair and stared down at my plate. I couldn’t shake his gaze. It made my day old wounds throb. I reached up and rubbed at my face. People began to pass food around the table. I numbly scooped out whatever I was handed and put it on my plate. Everyone began to eat.

Then, like something out of a nightmare, Brad spoke to me. His voice slithered across the table and into my ears. “I meant to ask you, Cyrus,” he drawled. He said my name in the same tone he had used the day before. I halfway expected him to say ‘Don’t inconvenience us by running’. He didn’t continue speaking until I looked up at him. “How’d you get such an awful bruise on your face?” He asked. His tone was tinged with fake concern. His eyes said lie, or I’ll kill you.

I swallowed, hard. Everyone was looking at me expectantly. “I…” I shoved my chair backwards and stood. I needed to leave.

“I heard some of the guys on my team beat you up,” Brad sneered at me. “I’ll have to talk to them about that.”

I was trembling. I looked down at Darwin. He reached up like he was going to pull me back into my chair.  
Everything went dark.

 

I woke up in a bed that wasn’t mine. The room was dark. I could hear the sound of the TV from the living room. I rubbed my head. I must have passed out. I flipped over to my side and almost sucked in a breath.

There, sitting in a chair by the door, was Brad. He reached up and flipped on the light. “Good morning, sunshine.” His mouth curled into a contemptuous smile.

I sat up and threw myself off the bed. I moved towards the end. It put me close to the door but it also put me closer to Brad. I stared at him from across the room. He stood, slowly, and stretched his legs.

“It was such a surprise seeing you here.” He grinned and came forward.

I backed up until I was almost against the wall. I was trapped, again. Fuck.

“The best part of the night was watching Darwin touch you. I knew you were a faggot. I heard the twins talking about all the sex you and that fucking bookstore owner have.” He punched me, hard, in the mouth. I stumbled and fell. I hit my head against the corner of a small table. My forehead began to throb. My mouth filled with the bitter taste of copper.

“Now, Cyrus,” he drawled, voice smooth as silk. “I know you can talk. Don’t be quiet just for my sake.” He pulled his foot backwards and landed a forceful kick against my ribcage.  
I bit back a whimper. 

Brad reached down and pulled me off the ground by my shirt. He pushed me up against the wall. “Fight back, faggot.” His voice was a harsh whisper. He pressed me harder into the wall. “Fight back,” he ordered, but it sounded more like he was begging. He leaned forward. His face was mere inches from mine. It took all of my willpower to meet his eyes. That dark look had returned to his eyes. I finally figured out what it was. It was hunger. I spat blood in his face. He didn’t even flinch. I wanted him to know how much I fucking hated him. I squirmed in his grasp. All of the anger he had directed towards me had been his attempt to squash down his desires. I pushed all of my hatred into my eyes.

A strangled moan escaped his lips. “God.” He groaned. “Do you have to look at me like that?” His right hand wrapped around my throat. I gripped his wrist with both of my hands. He looked deranged. There were speckles of blood dotting his face. His thumb stroked my Adam’s apple. “You’re such a freak. I bet you want me to fuck you. Tell me. Tell me how badly you want me to fuck you.” He purred.

I shuddered and dropped my hands to my sides in complete shock. He wanted me to beg for it? It was one thing to see it in his eyes and it was a completely different thing to hear him voice his wants out loud. He wanted me to justify his hidden desires by making it seem like I was the one that wanted it. I felt bile rise up in my throat. I didn’t want it. There wasn’t really anything I could do to make him leave. I couldn’t physically overpower him. The hand on my throat threatened strangulation if I didn’t comply.

But I couldn’t do it.

I couldn’t tell him that. I began to shake my head. I wasn’t completely hopeless, I decided. “No.” The word flew out of my mouth with such force that I wasn’t sure I had been the one that said it. I couldn’t let him hurt me when there were other people close by. I could ask for help this time. Darwin would come for me. Or, at least, I hoped he would.

Brad flinched like I had struck him. “What did you just say?” His tone threatened pain, but I didn’t care. His grip on my throat tightened.

“No!” I wheezed. I pressed my palms against his chest and shoved him forward with all the strength I could muster. The pressure on my throat disappeared as he stumbled backwards. I sucked in a mouthful of air. “No.” I repeated the word. I repeated it again and again and again until I was screaming it at the top of my lungs.

I didn’t stop until Darwin threw open the door. It slammed against the wall. Hot and angry tears began to stream down my face at the sight of him. It used to be impossible for me to cry. Now I cried at the slightest provocation.

Darwin rushed to me. He came close to me but didn’t initiate any physical contact. He examined my face. “Your cuts reopened.” He murmured. He was trembling. There were many emotions twirling around in his eyes. Fear. Worry. Relief.

His eyes darkened with anger. He turned on his heel. “You.” Darwin snarled, pointing an accusing finger at Brad.

The football player stopped in his tracks, a few feet from the door. He spun around to face Darwin.

Darwin was quaking with rage. His left hand was curled into a fist at his side. “You were the one that beat him up earlier. Weren’t you?” He took menacing steps forward. This time it was Brad that had to back away.

“No, it wasn’t like that. I swear. It was other guys on the team.” He tried to explain. He looked horrified. Darwin cornered him between the dresser and the wall. Brad put his hands up defensively. “I heard him crying in here. He was having some sort of a nightmare.”

“Stop lying.” Darwin hissed. He slammed his fist against the wall next to Brad’s head. The football player jumped. “He’s bleeding. You hurt him. This is the second time you’ve hurt him this week.”

I saw movement out of the corner of my eyes. I noticed that Kat, Sam, and Chris were standing in the doorway. Sam seemed to be physically restraining Kat from entering. Her eyes were bright with anger. She was glaring daggers at Brad.

Darwin noticed them too. He spoke to me without looking away from Brad. “Get out of here, Cyrus.” He ordered. When I didn’t move, he growled, “Now.”

I numbly walked toward the door. Chris wrapped an arm around my shoulder. I tried not to shrug off the contact. I really didn’t want him to touch me. He led me to the staircase. I frowned, not really remembering how I even got up the stairs. “How did I get in that room?” I asked as we slowly made our way down the stairs.

Chris looked startled by my voice. The playfulness was gone from his green eyes. “You passed out during dinner. Darwin carried you and put you up there. He didn’t stay because he thought you would be mad if you woke up and saw him in there.”

“Bet he regrets that now,” Sam muttered from behind me. Chris removed his arm from my shoulder.

The living room was quiet when we entered. Mark and Thom were standing by the wall. They stared at me with identical looks of horror. Tiffany stood near the TV. She refused to look at me. She pretended to be preoccupied with picking at the ends of her hair. Alex and Sandy were nowhere to be found.

Chris urged me to sit down on the couch. He plopped down next to me. He seemed uneasy. I felt like he wanted to hug me. Kat inspected the cuts on my face. She left the room and came back with a washcloth. She carefully washed the blood from my face. No one spoke.  
Tears continued to stream down my face. I had ruined their holiday. I always fucked everything up. I wanted to be irritated with Darwin for putting me in the situation to begin with, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t dislike him when he had stormed in and saved me like that. I pressed my hands against my face and sighed. I tried to ignore the way my face stung from the contact. No one had ever saved me before. He had been angry with Brad for hurting me. He had promised to protect me, and he did. He defended me. Even at the stake of irritating his favorite little sister.

I flinched when I heard heavy footsteps on the stairs. I was worried it would be Brad. But it was only Darwin. At the base of the stairs, Darwin looked at each person in turn. He gave Tiffany a look I couldn’t read. When he looked at me, his eyes softened. “Come on,” he urged. The rage was gone from his voice. “I’m taking you home.” He started towards the front door. He looked exhausted.

I stood, shakily. I muttered my goodbyes, but refused to make eye contact with any of them. I followed Darwin to the door. He held it open for me. I stood on the welcome mat and tried to breathe normally. It had gotten dark out. Moths bounced against the light by the door. I didn’t want to panic but I knew I had fucked up everything. Darwin closed the door behind me. We stood in silence for a few moments. He inspected my face closely. When he seemed satisfied that I was still in one piece, he pulled me forward and enveloped me in his arms. I stiffened for almost a moment. I gripped the front of his plaid shirt with both of my hands. I pressed my face into his chest and sobbed out apologies against his shirt. I felt so guilty. My body felt fatigued both emotionally and physically. I wanted to scowl. It had only been two days and I was already attached to him. He pressed a kiss to the top of my head. He rubbed my back in calming circles. He didn’t speak until my sobs quieted.

“I’m so sorry, Cyrus.” He breathed. I could hear the guilt coating his tone. “I promised to protect you and I ruined it. It’s all my fault.”

I shook my head against his chest. “No,” My voice was raw from crying. I moved my head away from his chest so I could look up at him. “I didn’t say anything. It would be unfair to expect you to know. I was the one that ruined your holiday.”

“He hurt you, again.” He said gently. His tone was almost chastising like he thought I was being silly. He rubbed the back of my head. He looked so guilty and sad, like a kicked puppy.

I shrugged. I had been hurt plenty of times. This time didn’t matter any more than the other times. A part of me still wanted to rebuke his affections, but a part of me felt flattered that he had defended me in such a manner. “What did you do to him?” I asked, trying to ignore the way my skin began to itch with panic. My stomach ached at the thought of Brad having another reason to hurt me again.

Anger flashed through Darwin’s eyes for a moment. “I’ll tell you another time,” he murmured. He regarded me very seriously. When he kissed me, it felt like he was apologizing. I wound my arms around his neck and kissed him harder. The hand on the back of my head pressed me in closer. He raked his teeth against my bottom lip. His other hand felt hot against my sweater. It moved unhurriedly down my back. His hand found its way under my sweater. His fingers pressed against the skin of my lower back. I panted against his mouth.

He broke the kiss and examined my face. “Don’t worry about ‘ruining’ our holiday. It isn’t a real family get together without some drama.” He cupped my cheek. “Let me make it up to you.”

I frowned. “How are you going to do that?” I tried to ignore the fluttering in my stomach and the way his fingers were stroking my back.

There was a feral look in his eyes when he spoke, “I’ll take you to your house and…” He paused, leaned forward, and whispered the rest in my ear, “I’ll show you.”

I shuddered.

The drive back was quiet. Darwin stared at the road thoughtfully. I felt stupid and clingy but I desperately wanted physical contact. Darwin’s arm rested on the center console. His hand had cuts along the knuckles. I knew, then, that he and Brad had gotten into a physical altercation. I gingerly touched the back of his hand. He flipped his hand over. My hand hovered over his. I thought that maybe he didn’t want me to touch him. I waited for him to say something. But instead of reprimanding me, he grabbed my hand and entangled our fingers. I looked out the window and tried to give the illusion that I didn’t care.


	5. Burning Up

There was a soft dusting of snow on the ground when we rolled into the circular driveway in front of my house. I pried my hand from his and stumbled out of his truck. I cradled my hand to my chest. His warmth lingered for a few moments.

I felt a chill as I looked up at my house. When we first moved in, it had almost reminded me of the White House. The longer I lived there, the more it began to look like a hospital. I fished around in my pocket for my keys. My eyebrows furrowed. There was a light on.  
“Surely….” I whispered, staring up into the illuminated window. I shook my head. There was no way.

“Your house seems really…” Darwin murmured from behind me. I looked over my shoulder at him. He was leaning against one of the porch columns. It was too dark to make out his expression. He didn’t continue.

I shook my head and sunk the key into the lock.  
Darwin spoke again, “if it snows anymore, they won’t be able to find your house. It’ll blend right in. Do you think that fountain will freeze?” He nodded towards the decorative fountain in the middle of my front yard.

God, he asked so many questions. I pushed open the door and made my way inside. I turned on the light. It illuminated the foyer. I nudged off my shoes by the front door. I normally took them off in my room but I was too tired to care. Darwin followed my lead and discarded his boots next to mine. His socks were mismatched.

I allowed myself to stare at him. I dragged my eyes up his body. His jeans were still dirty. His shirt was still wrinkled. He wasn’t wearing his jacket. I frowned, realizing it was probably somewhere in his grandmother’s kitchen. He needed a shave. He was smirking at me. I shuffled a bit backwards. I wasn’t checking him out, if that’s what he thought.

“You’re slovenly,” I croaked. It was true.

“I think you find some sort of appeal in it,” he purred. It sent chills down my spine.

“You wish.”

He reached out to touch me. I sidestepped before he could make contact. I gave him a nasty look and started into the living room. I had almost made it to the staircase before his arms wrapped around my waist. Darwin yanked me backwards against his chest. He buried his face into my hair and inhaled.

“What are you doing?” I snapped while trying to wiggle my way out of his embrace. His chest was too hot against my back. I felt like I was going to suffocate. “Darwin,” I pleaded. He touched me too much. I really wasn’t used to all the touching. Normally, the only touches I received where the few brief hugs my mother gave me. Other than that, I avoided touching. It made my skin feel clammy. But Darwin’s touches gave me a weird, warm feeling within my stomach.

His arm went limp and I tried to ignore the way his hands brushed against my sides as they dropped. My face was burning. I turned around to face him, but my embarrassment kept me from looking at him directly. I glanced at him from under the fringe of my hair.

Darwin was smiling. He rubbed a hand through his hair and chuckled. “Just smelling that fancy shampoo. My hair isn’t nearly as soft. It also doesn’t smell as good.” He pressed his lips together tightly. “Brown is such an ugly color,” he huffed.

“No,” I whispered. I met his eyes. “It’s not.” I couldn’t find the color ugly. I couldn’t find it ugly because every time I looked into his honey brown eyes, I felt warm. “Blue is ugly.” I whispered, closing my eyes. “It’s cold and empty.” God, it was like my mouth was a broken faucet around him. The words kept leaking out.

There was such a contrast between Brad and Darwin. Darwin was so warm. His looks were almost hot in a way. I closed my eyes, trying to shield myself from the heat. But when I closed my eyes, I could see Brad giving me that cold, blue-eyed stare as he pinned me to a wall.

“Cyrus,” a deep voice reverberated in my ears. A warm hand gripped my shoulder. I opened my eyes and suddenly, I was back. I was in my house. Instead of blue eyes, I saw brown.

“I’m okay.” I whispered, voice hoarse.

“Are you?” He asked, leaning forward. His eyes searched my face.

I didn’t know if I was okay. I opened my mouth to speak. A light turned on upstairs. I could hear footsteps.

“Fuck. Fuck.” I hissed at Darwin. He frowned and retreated a few steps. I flipped around to face the stairs.

“Cyrus?” My mother’s voice floated down the stairs. God, what a wonderful time for my parents show up. “Darling,” she called. “Is that you?” She appeared at the top of the stairs and started to descend.

I began to shake. I couldn’t explain Darwin’s presence. What could I tell her? This is a bookstore owner that I like to kiss? He promised to protect me?

My mother tied the strings of her pink, silk robe when she made it to the bottom of the stairs. Without her normal amounts of makeup, she looked almost… concerned.

“Darling,” She hummed, putting her hands her hips. I hated when she called me darling. She called everyone darling. It didn’t matter if it was an interviewer or the fucking pope. She called them all darling. “Where have you been? Daddy and I came home and you weren’t even here.” She sounded like she was pouting. She squinted at me. She must have taken her contacts out. If I was lucky, that meant that Darwin was far enough away to be hidden in the shadows.

She tucked a piece of her long blonde hair behind her ear. For the longest time, my parents rarely spoke to me. They thought that since I wouldn’t speak, they didn’t need to speak to me. That lasted for four months, but finally, one psychiatrist told them that I needed to be spoken to. She had stated something about common decency. I had translated that to talk to your fucking kid, you pricks. That psychiatrist was fired soon after.

“Darling. There’s something on your face.” She stepped forward. She licked one of her fingers and pressed it directly into one of my bruises. She rubbed at it. I barely repressed a whimper. She paled and her hand fell from my face. She turned and called up the stairs, “Benedict. Can you come down here?” Her voice was shrill and urgent.

I cringed. I didn’t want to see my father. I hated the way he looked at me.

My father stumbled down the stairs a moment later. He was still fully dressed in a suit, which meant that he had been holed up in his study. His face was stern. His grey eyes were hard with disapproval. He was obviously unhappy that my mother had bothered his ‘work’. He froze midway down the stairs. I stiffened, suddenly remembering that Darwin was still in my house.

“Who are you?” He growled. His voice was harsh, and deep. I remembered reading a magazine once that had said his voice was sexy or something. His voice had always scared me.

My mother directed her squinting gaze off into the shadows. She looked confused.  
“Darwin,” I whispered. The sound of my voice caused my parents’ attention to be turned to me.

My mother’s mouth dropped open, “did you just…?”

My father gripped the railing and stared down at us. His body was stiff with anger.

“This is Darwin.” I spoke again. This time, my voice was louder and stronger but my tongue felt awkwardly large within my mouth.

Darwin stepped up beside me. He was close enough that our arms were almost touching. I wanted to hold his hand. “I drove Cyrus to his appointment.” The sound of his voice made me feel a little better.

Recognition dawned on my mother’s face when he stepped into the light. “Oh!” My mother clapped her hands together. “I know you! You own that queer little bookstore in town! You were at the Mayor’s Ball.”

“Yes, ma’am. We didn’t know you’d be home, today. I was just making sure Cyrus made it into bed.” He put a friendly arm around my shoulder. I resisted the urge to sink down against his side.

I blushed at the thought of what he actually meant by making sure I ‘made it into bed’.

“Oh,” my mother cooed, obviously swayed by Darwin’s charms. “It was so wonderful of you to take him to his appointment!”

“What about his face?” My father questioned. He still looked as disapproving as ever. He probably couldn’t wait to get back to his stupid study. “Who did that?”

Darwin stiffened under my father’s gaze. He removed his arm from my shoulder. “Bullies.” Darwin said.

“Oh, darling.” My mother moved forward and enveloped me in her arms. She pressed my face into her soft hair. She smelled like lavender. I sighed. It had been too long since she’d hugged me. I had really missed her. I curled my arms around her waist. She ran her fingers through my hair. The sweetness was gone from her voice when she spoke again. “Who?” But I knew that the anger in her voice was practiced.

“I took care of them.” Darwin responded. There were a few moments of silence before Darwin spoke again. “I should go.”

My mother released me from her embrace and glided forward to put a halting hand on Darwin’s arm. “No! You must stay the night. It’s much too late to go back into town. You can stay in one of the guest rooms.”

Darwin looked uncomfortable. “I really shouldn’t…” He started. I was almost glad that he felt as uncomfortable as I was.

Surprisingly, my father was the one who insisted. “Stay the night. You’ve done us a great favor.”

“All right.”

“Excellent! Cyrus will show you to the guest room. I need to get into bed.” My mother yawned behind her hand. “We have an early flight in the morning. Goodnight, darlings.” She kissed my cheek and made her way back up the stairs. My father gave Darwin a threatening look before following my mother up the stairs.

I chewed on my bottom lip until I could taste blood.

Darwin sighed, “your mother…”

“Lives for drama. She doesn’t actually care.” I pulled at the sleeve of my sweater. I tried to make my tone as even as possible. I figured if he didn’t hear my voice quaking, then he wouldn’t think that it actually bothered me.

He rubbed at his neck. “They’re lucky I don’t have whiplash from that shit. How did they even do that? Do they do that all the time?”

“They have an amazing rebound rate. One minute they’re worried, the next minute they’re gone. They did this the time I tried to kill myself, too. They were so worried about me, we moved here, and then my father won some award and they were gone.” I pressed my hands to my face, trying to keep my whirlwind of emotions within my head. I could feel the tears threatening to fall from my eyes. It was going to be a nightmare when I woke up tomorrow. It was always jarring to wake up with them gone.

“Let’s leave.” Darwin said, his voice almost hesitant.

I peeked out from behind my hands. “What?” Had I said something out loud? How did he know that I wanted to leave?

“We’re leaving.” He stated again. This time his voice was serious. “This has been the worst fucking day.”

“Should I pack clothes, or something?” I whispered, moving my hands away from my face.

When I looked at him, his eyes were alight. I wanted to leave. I was practically ready to claw through the walls to get out of this place.

“Yes.” He murmured. He seemed thoughtful for a moment. “You should pack something warm.” He placed a hand on my shoulder and squeezed it. “I’m going to take you somewhere.”

“Is this what you normally do?” I grumbled, trying to figure out where ‘somewhere’ was.

“What? Pick up and leave?” He shook his head. “No, but I feel like you need to escape for a little while.”

“I think this classifies as kidnapping.”

“I just… I want…” Darwin’s face contorted with irritation. I shook my head and moved to go up the stairs. His words followed me, “’It's strange that words are so inadequate. Yet, like the asthmatic struggling for breath, so the lover must struggle for words.’”

“What?” I asked, stopping my journey up the stairs.

“T. S. Eliot.”

“What?” I asked again. “Did you read that in poet’s monthly?”

He seemed confused for a moment, before he chuckled. “No, I read it in The Elder Statesman. That’s a play, not a poem.” He sighed and rubbed at his eyes in an exasperated manner. We stood there quietly for a few moments longer before he said, “I just want to protect you.”

“I know,” I murmured.

\---

Apparently, ‘somewhere’ was so far away that we had to hole up in some dinky little motel on the side of the highway. We had been travelling for over an hour. Darwin had felt ‘too tired to continue’ and insisted that we stay in some motel.

“This place is disgusting.” I grumbled and threw my duffle bag onto one of the beds.

“It’s only temporary,” Darwin said, while digging through his own bag. “What’s wrong with it?”

“It’s just…” I surveyed the room and tried to resist the urge to gnaw at my bottom lip. “It seems unsafe. We’re in the middle of nowhere. I don’t know where we’re going and I’m pretty sure the front desk clerk gave me some very creepy looks.” I knelt down to plug my phone into the outlet next to the bed.

Darwin made a noise of agreement. “Yeah, he was a little weird. Can’t blame him for looking, though. You’re very… Pretty, I guess.”

“Pretty?” I asked, completely horrified. “As in, I look like a girl?” I felt my face burn.

“No, no. You are definitely male. You just seem… delicately attractive, I guess.”

“Delicately attractive?” I choked. “Wow, could you sound like any more of a pedophile right now? For someone who owns a book store, you’re not very eloquent.” I stood up and turned to look at him. “I may not be particularly-“ The words died in my throat as I caught sight of a very minimally dressed Darwin.

He was clad in only black boxer-briefs. He held a t-shirt in his right hand. I couldn’t control my eyes. I ogled him from head to toe. I wanted to hyperventilate. Sure, I’d seen other guys naked in the change rooms at school but it was nothing compared to what Darwin looked like. He seemed almost brawny with his broad shoulders and muscular chest. He had long, toned legs. He really didn’t look like someone who would own a bookstore. I swallowed the saliva that had pooled in my mouth and managed to mumble, “You have chest hair…”

Darwin looked down at his chest and chuckled. “Yes, I do.”

I shook my head, trying to clear my head. “Put clothes on… You’re making me uncomfortable.” I really did not like the hot feeling in the pit of my stomach when I looked at him. Darwin gave me one of his dazzling smiles before tugging his shirt on over his head. 

“I’m not sure uncomfortable is the correct term for what you’re currently feeling,” he snickered.

I grabbed my pajamas and walked to the bathroom. “Fuck off.” I hissed. I slammed the door, trying to ignore how hot my face felt.


	6. Overflow

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, y’all, it’s me. I know you guys hate me for never updating but here I am. Also, I’m a few chapters a head this time around so you won’t have to go a while without an update! However, if you’d like to join my email update list, leave your email in your review and I will send you an email when I update! I am really sorry. School has been crazy. Sorry for the short chapter, I had to stop it here because if I didn’t this chapter would have been like 10,000 words haha. Don't forget that I have an AFF forum that I reply to reviews on and if you want an immediate response, message me on tumblr! I will actually see y’all Monday! (because the chapter is already written). Also, this is like the first sex scene I've ever written hahah.

I felt like I was sleeping between two hard slabs of ice. No matter how I twisted and rolled beneath the sheets, I couldn’t warm up. I spent minutes upon minutes alternating between staring at Darwin’s sleeping form and the alarm clock placed on the nightstand between us. Every single time I closed my eyes I would see Brad staring back at me. Then, I would feel a pressure on my throat, like I was about to suffocate. At some point during the night, my resolve shattered.

If anyone asked me about this incident, I would have said that I was so delirious from a lack of sleep that I couldn’t be bothered to control myself. I slid from those disgusting hotel sheets as quietly as possible.

For a while, all I could do was stare. There was a beam of moonlight coming through the blinds. Unluckily for me, it landed on Darwin in such a way that I felt myself heart begin to race. He was sound asleep. I couldn’t resist admiring him. There was something so appealing to me about his messy hair and generally disheveled appearance. How was it, I wondered, could someone attract me in such a manner? I had admired others before. It wasn’t like I was some sort of a sheltered child who had never seen another naked. I had seen other boys naked in the changing room and also when I was in the hospital. I had even seen a few women naked. Of course, I hadn’t seen them up close or anything like that. A boy had smuggled in one of those smut magazines into our dormitory. It was passed around for a month before it was confiscated. I had seen the women in it. They were… Interesting, I guessed. Women were beautiful and much cleaner than their male counterparts, but they did nothing for me. I didn’t look at them and feel that weird warm feeling in the pit of my stomach.

There was something urging me to reach out and stroke his soft, brown hair. He seemed so at peace. I always had problems sleeping. The nightmares could keep me up for a while. I wondered what it was like to sleep like that. He looked so calm. I felt like I could stare at him for ages. I liked the stubble on his chin. I never had any facial hair. I couldn’t tell if it was because I was young, or just weird.

God, I felt like such an idiot standing there. I stared off at the cream colored wall next to Darwin’s bed. I didn’t understand a lot of things going on in my life. I had felt out of control for years. The one thing I did know, however, was that Darwin made me feel different. He was like the calm to my storm. I rubbed at my face. I liked him. I wanted him to like me, too. I wanted him to see more of me. I was so scared that he’d dig too deep and he wouldn’t want me anymore. It was horrifying. I had never felt so vulnerable. It was too fast. I had to leave. I had to run far away and never come back.

I looked down at him again. And he was…

He was staring at me.

“Oh. Um. I…” I whispered. My mouth felt dry and my face felt unbearably hot. I tried to think about ways to convince him that I wasn’t just creepily watching him sleep, but I didn’t know what to say. I mumbled, “I don’t have an excuse.”  
Darwin gave me the sweetest, half-asleep grin that made my heart skip a beat. “Did you know,” he said, his eyes bright and wide. He paused, and let out a yawn before continuing, “Did you know that there’s this beam of light shining on you and your hair… Your hair is glowing this amazing white color. I’ve never seen anything like it before.” His eyes darkened. He held open the covers and bid me to join him.

My mouth went dry. There was a burning feeling deep within my stomach that bid me to crawl into bed with him. I took a hesitant step forward.

He spoke again, his voice like pure silk, “you look like you’re freezing. I can practically see you shaking from here. Maybe the heater’s out. Come on.”

“Some warmth will do you good. I’ve heard you tossing and turning all night.” He urged, when I shook my head no.

I felt myself flush red. I hadn’t thought that he would be a light sleeper. I felt almost guilty for keeping him up. And I was cold. It wasn’t like we had to cuddle or anything. I could just lie next to him. That wasn’t so bad. He looked so serene when he was sleeping. Maybe his bed was softer than mine? I slid into the bed with him. My mistake, I decided, was thinking he wouldn’t touch me. His hand forced itself behind my neck after barely a second of me lying in the bed. He rolled me towards him. I found myself pressed up to the side of his body. I laid my head on his chest.

His body was scorching hot. I shivered and pressed myself closer. I promised myself, again, that it was only because I was cold. My body reacted in a way I hadn’t expected. I sucked in a breath when I felt myself growing hard from the contact. I guess it wasn’t entirely unexpected. I was attracted to him. I screwed my eyes shut and silently wished it away. I tried to think about naked old women, but it refused to go down. I didn’t know what to do. Should I roll away? Should I kill myself on the spot? I had never been so physically close to someone in that way before. He was so handsome. I couldn’t control myself.

I heard a chuckle above my ear. “That seems to be a problem.”

I blushed a bright red and tried to roll away. The arm wrapped around my shoulders refused to budge. When I stopped squirming, his hand trailed down to stroke my side. “This is…” I wanted to melt into the bed and never reemerge. Darwin’s touch was sending electric shocks into my skin. “This was a trap,” I muttered, silently hoping that my voice didn’t let on to how nervous and embarrassed I was.

Darwin chuckled and it sounded so loud in his chest. I looked up at him and his smile was mischievous. “It wasn’t a trap. You looked so cold. I had to warm you.”

“I’m warm now.” I stated. Warm was an understatement. I was burning up. I pushed away from him and rolled onto my back. He didn’t seem bothered by my sudden detachment. I thought maybe I could calm myself down long enough to get rid of my erection.

Darwin pounced after a few moments. He was on top of me. Luckily, he didn’t drop his whole weight on me. His knees were placed on either side of my legs. His mouth covered my own. He ground his hips into mine. I moaned helplessly into his mouth. I could feel how hard he was. He kissed me deeply and I panted. He didn’t pull away until I was a whimpering, squirming mess. He cupped my chin. His voice was raspy, “You look… wonderful.” His thumb stroked my bottom lip. “If you want to say no, now is the time.”

My head was in a fog. I could barely form words. “I-I...”

Darwin sat up onto his knees, careful not to put his whole weight on me. His eyes looked so dark. His face was flushed. My eyes trailed down his form. The light from the window made him appear almost holy. My eyes followed the trail of hair on his stomach to where it disappeared beneath the band of his underwear. I had to look away when my eyes trailed further and caught sight of his cock straining against his underwear. God, that fabric was thin.

“Do you want me to stop?” He asked, staring down at me. His voice sounded clear.

I didn’t know, truly. I was confused. I felt too hot. I was aroused and nervous. I wanted to touch his thighs and his stomach. 

“Cyrus, darling,” he whispered, his voice husky. He leaned down. “Tell me what you want. I will do nothing without your verbal permission. Say the word and I won’t touch you again. Should you decide to consent, I promise to stop the moment you tell me to. I want you to feel safe with me.”

I couldn’t break eye contact with him. He seemed so trustworthy. Was it bad to agree to something if you really wanted it? Then again, I wasn’t really sure what I wanted. I just knew I wanted him to continue touching me. I looked away. I just wasn’t sure how far I could go. I had no idea what I wanted. I scrunched my brow. I had never been in such a position.

“Cyrus,” he murmured, drawing my attention back to him. “No decisions now. How about a trial run?” He moved off of me and set next to me on the bed. I sat up as well. “Do you want to be in control? Do you want to touch me? I won’t touch back. Would that make you feel safe?”

I shook my head. No, I didn’t want that. I kind of felt the urge to cry. No one had asked me so many questions before. He wanted me to feel in control. He actually wanted to know what I wanted.

“What would you like? Would you like to just go to sleep?” He seemed to think for a moment and tentatively asked, “do you want me to touch you? We could go could slow.” He reached out and placed his hand on my knee.

I swallowed and stared at his knee. I looked down at his hand. I whispered, “yes.”

“What’s that? I couldn’t hear you.”

“Yes,” I said, louder this time. “Please touch me.” There was something freeing about accepting something out of my own free will. I didn’t feel pressured to answer either way. I didn’t feel like he would hurt me for saying no. His hand cupped the back of my head and he pulled me in for a kiss.

Darwin pressed his forehead against mine. “You’re sure?” He murmured. He twirled a piece of my hair with his fingers. He was giving me another opportunity to say no.  
“Yes.”

Darwin struck like a snake, wrapping his arms around my waist. He pulled me forward onto his lap. He nibbled on the side of my neck. Gasping, I leaned my head back to give him more access to my neck. His hands found themselves up under my shirt. He whispered against my neck, “the sounds you make are intoxicating.” He began to suck on my neck. I ground my hips against him. He moaned against my neck. He detached himself from my neck long enough to pull my shirt over my head. He threw my shirt somewhere. He pushed me down onto the bed. My head rested on the pillows. I was panting and I felt unbearably hot. He stared at me. His eyes were dark and his face was unreadable. His eyes dragged down my body. I was too gone to feel embarrassed.

I grabbed his hand with my own and pulled him down on top of me. I wrapped my arms around his neck and kissed him fiercely. He sucked onto my tongue and I squirmed beneath him.

He pulled back again and I whined. He smirked and pushed a piece of my hair away from my face. “Okay?” He asked. I nodded and reached out for him again. He pushed at my hands. “One second.” He placed his hands on waistband of my pants. He stared at me for a few moments before I realized he was silently asking my permission. I nodded and pulled my pajama bottoms off of me. I felt exposed and uncomfortable. He moved between my legs. I resisted the urge to kick him. He licked his lips.

I looked down at myself. I had seen that view a million times. I hated looking at myself. I always felt nauseous when I looked at my scars. I was too small and thin. I didn’t understand how he even found me attractive. My cock stared up at him. It was angry, red and surrounded by a patch of blonde hair. Disgusting.

“Beautiful,” Darwin murmured. I stared up at him in shock. That’s what he thought? Maybe he just wanted me to continue having sex with him. But I guess he didn’t need to say that to get me to sleep with him. After all, I was in his bed, naked.

“You may put your hands in my hair.” He breathed, staring down at me like I was a piece of meat.

Why would I do that? I wondered. He moved down. Oh, god, was he going to blow me? I felt really out of my element. I was ridiculously inexperienced. His breath was hot against my cock. We made eye contact for a second before he took me into his mouth. I groaned and my hands reached out and gripped his hair. It was like nothing I had ever felt before. Sure, I had masturbated before, who hadn’t? But it was nothing like the deliciously hot cavern that was Darwin’s mouth. I began to thrust up into his mouth. He made an odd sound. His hands gripped my hips tightly, keeping me still. My eyes rolled up into the back of my head. I could barely catch my breath. I wasn’t going to last much longer. It felt so so so so so good.

I came and made a sound that I had no idea was humanly possible. I must have blacked out for a moment or two, because one minute he was between my legs and the next he was lying next to me. He was smiling at me, softly.

I felt so relaxed. I yawned.

“Tired?” Darwin asked, his tone full of amusement.

I nodded, barely able to keep my eyes open. My limbs felt useless. “Do I need to… return the favor?” I whispered, feeling my face begin to heat up again. I knew I would be awful at it, but I felt rude not offering to reciprocate.

Darwin chuckled, “No, Cyrus.” He pressed a kiss to my forehead. “It’s all about you, for now. There will time for other things later.”

I couldn’t keep my eyes open any longer. I barely recognized him covering me with the blanket before I was fast asleep. I had never slept more peacefully in my life.


	7. Freezing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry. I know I said I was going to update last year but I ended up taking this story a completely different direction than what I originally intended. Thank you to all of you guys who have been waiting for this!

I woke up feeling… weird. Maybe weird wasn’t the right word. I felt different. I felt like I was floating, like I had popped a Xanax or something.

I looked the clock blinking at me on the bedside table. It was only six. I wanted to groan. Granted, I guessed we had gone to bed pretty early. It was just weird for me to sleep all the way through the night. Darwin was pressed up against my back. He was stiflingly hot and I wiggled a bit to attempt to disentangle myself from his limbs. It had quite the… opposite reaction. He pulled me closer to him and used his free hand to trace my hip. Of course, I had to have a very ridiculous reaction to that single touch.

Darwin let out a sleepy laugh against my ear. “Shall I take care of that?” He teased, his fingers ghosting a touch on my erection. I squeaked and practically catapulted my way out of his embrace. My heart was beating quickly. I looked at him and flushed even darker. He was sprawled out on the bed, hand rubbing sleepily at his eyes, completely naked. I must have thrown off the blanket in the middle of the night because it was lying in a pile on the floor. Darwin was like a personal furnace. It must have been pretty weird to have a body temperature that high. I told him that he should probably get that checked out.

He said, “Are you calling me hot?”

I glowered at him. I turned and stumbled off into the bathroom. I made sure to slam the door.

He called after me, “shower while you’re in there. We need to get moving.”

I turned on the water and stared at my reflection in the mirror above the sink. The dark circles under my eyes had lightened. I felt kind of acutely aware of my surroundings. I pointedly avoided thinking about the dark bruises on my face. There was no time for an early morning bathroom cry. I did notice the growing bruise around my throat. Wonderful.

When I got into the shower, I felt okay. I didn’t have the urge to scrub my skin harshly. I didn’t feel filthy or disgusting. I didn’t feel like I had felt when- I stopped that train of thought. I leaned against the shower wall, letting the spray of water clear my mind. No, no, there wasn’t time for that. Maybe in the future, I could worry about what was done but it wasn’t going to do me any good to think about it.

I had left my fucking shampoo and conditioner in my bag, I realized, a while into my shower, as I stared down at the shitty hotel shampoo. I exited the shower and tried to ignore how much water was pooling at my feet. I wrapped a towel around my waist and crept out of the bathroom. My hair stuck to my forehead and I had to push it out of the way to see. Darwin was sitting on the bed, marking points onto a map. He was fully dressed, thank god. I didn’t know how I would have felt if I had come across him sprawled out on the bed again. Surely, the water on my skin would have turned into steam from the heat of my embarrassment.

Thinking about him had me red-faced. “Do you ever shower?” I hissed, hoping to sound intimidating.

Darwin looked up and gave me one of those stupid, lop-sided grins. “Do you want me to join you?”

“No,” I growled, grabbing my things and heading back to the bathroom again.

I later found myself downstairs in the hotel’s “breakfast room”. It was really just a room with five-dollar chairs, shitty tables, cardboard food, and vending machines that were either unplugged or just didn’t work. I had never eaten at such an establishment before. They had set up some sort of amalgamation of food along the counter tops. Everything smelled like grease. Every person in there looked dead-eyed. They were shoveling food into their mouth.

Darwin’s gave me a bit of a push to send me in the direction of the food. He made sure to mention, before we left the room, that he had showered last night after I had ‘passed out’. Not wanting another encouraging shove, I walked along and examined the various breakfast foods. It all looked practically inedible. I stood, Styrofoam plate in hand, with a dark look on my face. I practically glowered when Darwin walked by. His plate was full, of course. I thought that you had to eat a lot to when you were that size. I grabbed some random things from the buffet and joined Darwin at a table. Most of the tables were empty, but of course Darwin had to sit at the table right next to a man with a round, squashed nose face and a woman that looked like a freshly plucked bird. The man poured a gallon of fake maple syrup all over his food. Gross.

I picked at my plate for a few minutes. Darwin was eating quickly but he didn’t really take his eyes off of me. Darwin began to speak around a mouthful of food. “Do you have nightmares or something? You tossed and turned a lot.”

I grimaced. I couldn’t look at him. It was hard enough having him bring my nightmares up, but it was worse watching him do it around half-chewed food. “God, do you ever swallow?”

Darwin swallowed the food in his mouth and laughed. “You learned the answer to that last night. Or have you forgotten?”

I looked away. I couldn’t make eye contact with him when his voice was husky like that. “No,” I cleared my throat. “I remember.” I kind of liked how he easily hopped from subjects that I didn’t want to talk about. A woman sitting a few tables over kept switching from glancing apprehensively at my neck to glaring at Darwin. I grabbed my cup of orange juice and swirled it like it was a fancy glass of wine. I wondered if it was even made from real oranges. I couldn’t wait to get out of there.

“Too bad. I was going to offer a repeat performance in hopes of jogging your memory.” His comment had me looking at him, again. He waggled his eyebrows at me.

The couple at the table next to us gave me a mean look. The wife made a disgusted noise in the back of her throat. I lowered my voice in hopes of convincing Darwin to follow suit. “No. That’s fine.” I said. My heart raced, like it was trying to remind my brain that I had very much enjoyed last night’s performance. My stomach was churning from either mortification or from the smell of the food. Was there a polite way to ask him to shut the fuck up? I stared into those honey brown eyes and frowned. He looked so blissful. Why were all of his emotions on his face?  
He ignored my hint and continued to speek at the same volume. “Oh, didn’t like it? That’s weird. You were moaning quite nicely last night.”

The woman’s face seemed even more pinched. Honestly, I had no idea that someone’s face could contort in such a manner. I stood up quickly. My chair made a loud screeching sound. It drew the attention of the others in the room. I stood there for a minute, with my hands pressed against the tabletop, before I realized that I couldn’t leave because I didn’t have anywhere to go. I sunk back down in the chair, like a fucking idiot. My face burned and Darwin seemed to be thoroughly enjoying my shame.

He dropped his fork down onto his empty plate after shoving the last morsel into his mouth. He stood and grabbed his jacket off the back of his chair. He began to put it on, stating, “I’m gonna go check us out.” He looked down at my untouched plate of food. “At least eat something.”

“The eggs taste like soggy cardboard.” I grumbled, pushing the plate away from me.

When he walked by me, he ruffled my hair. I ate a muffin to appease him.

 

Darwin was very silent as we drove up the twisting, mountain roads. Instead of the silence making me feel uncomfortable, I felt at ease. There was a companionable silence between us. It was almost like he didn’t expect me to supply conversation and he wasn’t upset about it. Usually, people were scrambling to fill up the silence. Most people couldn’t spend a long time around me because I was “creepy”. It was probably the dead-eyed stare I had mastered over many years.

“How far up are we going?” I asked, looking out the window. It was the firs thing I had said in almost an hour. It was kind of relaxing looking at the contrast between the green conifer trees and the bright white snow. Darwin wasn’t driving too fast. He seemed leisurely, like he was just enjoying the drive. Only one of his hands was resting on the wheel. The other hand held one of mine. I wasn’t sure when he had grabbed my hand, but it made me feel safe, so I didn’t pull away.

“Just two more hours,” he turned and gave me a quick, beaming smile. He looked back at the road.

I must have fallen asleep in the car, because I woke to Darwin shaking my shoulder. “We’re here, sleeping beauty.” He said, smirking. He opened his door and hopped out of the vehicle. I shuddered as cold air whooshed into the car. I sat up, disoriented, and rubbed the sleep from my eyes. We were parked outside of a log cabin. I frowned. I unbuckled my seatbelt and opened the door. It was freezing. My shoes crunched on the snow when I slid out of the truck. There were trees everywhere and the snow was deep. My legs felt dead from either the sleep or the long car ride.

The air almost felt rejuvenating. I breathed in large, gasping mouthfuls of it. Not that the town air had been particularly smog filled. There was just something so crisp about the air. My cheeks stung from the wind, and I pulled my jacket on a little tighter. It was weird feeling fully awake after months of having an obnoxiously bad sleep schedule. I honestly couldn’t believe that I had slept all night and fallen asleep in the car, too.

The cabin had a heap of snow on the roof. I plodded my way through the snow and to the door. Darwin met me at the door, cheeks red from the cold. “Sleep well?” He asked, patting his jeans pockets. I hoped he hadn’t lost the key.

“Fine, thank you.” I responded, mechanically. I had said that many times, but this time, I felt like I actually meant it.

The cabin seemed clean, nonetheless and that was enough for me. A rush of hot air met me when he opened the front door and I welcomed it. The place was surprisingly modern and furnished. I didn’t the taxidermy animal heads hanging on the wall. I found dead animals really tasteless as décor, but I didn’t think the decorators of the cabin had me in mind. There was a large wooden dining table to the right of the door with some sort of an antler chandelier hanging above it. Again, I thought, tasteless. There was a large, leather couch in front of the rock fireplace. There was a fire burning. 

“Someone knew we were coming,” I mused, touching the soft leather of the couch. There was a blanked folded and hung over the back of the couch. It looked so warm. The mood of the cabin seemed warm and inviting.

“Mmhmm,” Darwin agreed, carrying in the bags. He had them both balanced on his shoulders. Must be nice to be strong, I thought.

“This way,” he said, stomping up the wooden staircase. He was leaving snow everywhere. I knew it was going to melt and create a slipping hazard on the hardwood. I told him that, but he just laughed like I was dumb.

“It’s not my fault if you fall and break your neck,” I grumbled.

He chuckled and called down from the top of the stairs, “How sweet of you to think of my neck.”

I followed him up the stairs. The railing was so smooth. I didn’t know that it was possible to make so much stuff out of wood. I had been skiing before, up in the mountains, but we had always stayed in swanky resorts. I kind of liked the rustic feel.

There was only one bedroom upstairs. I chewed on my bottom lip. Darwin sat the bags down on the floor. The bed was large and covered in a white quilt. A fireplace was situated across from the bed, there wasn’t a fire burning in this one. The ceiling was vaulted. Luckily, there weren’t any animals in this particular room. There was a large dresser on one side of the room, with a big mirror situated on top of it. There were, it looked like, small bears carved into the bottom of the dresser. I rolled my eyes. I guess I stood corrected about the animals. There were large, floor to ceiling windows on the other side of the room. I walked up to them and pressed my forehead against the cool glass. There were trees as far as I could see. I looked up at the sky. I was kind of excited to see how bright the stars would be so far away from civilization. 

“We can both sleep in here.” Darwin said after a few moments. I turned away from the windows. “Bathroom is through there.” He pointed at the door. There was an excited undertone to his voice, like he was bursting with delight. “I have some more things to do. So I’ll be downstairs.” He stomped out of the room.

I resisted the urge to cock my head in confusion once he was gone. Was it necessary to share a bed after you had done something sexual with someone? I pulled out my phone and tried to search on google. No Service the screen blinked at me.

I frowned, a little concerned, and went looking for Darwin. I found him trying to open a pair of blinds in the kitchen. What was I going to do without service? How were people going to get in contact with me? Granted, not that many people ever contacted me. I guessed the point of this little adventure was to get far away from home anywhere. I also supposed that there was a tracking device in my phone, and not having service was probably good to deter anyone from finding me. I looked at Darwin’s back and was concerned for him. Would he be arrested if they found me with him?

“Is this kidnapping?” I asked him after a few moments of watching him struggle with the blinds.

He stopped fidgeting with the window and turned to look at me. He seemed suddenly uncomfortable. His brows were furrowed. “Uh, well, you did come willingly.” He said, but his voice trailed off in a way that made me think there was more to it than that.

“But?” I asked.

“But you are a minor and I assume that means you don’t have the right to decide whether or not you’re kidnapped.” He was concerned, I thought. He turned back to the window and gripped the blind strings again. He gave them a hard pull. They slammed into the top of the window. I hoped it was an accident and not a show of anger. He turned back to me and had a pleasant look on his face. “Don’t worry about it. No one knows we’re out here. We’ll be safe.” He still sounded anxious, though.

“Unless you’re a murderer,” I said, my voice deadpan. I didn’t think that he really was one. Despite his size, he didn’t look like he could even kill a bug. I was probably just exaggerating, but who really knew.

A smile spread across his face, like the statement had diffused any of his anxiety. “Unless I’m a murderer,” he chuckled. The excited undertone was back. At least he wasn’t acting like a kicked puppy, anymore. That really made me uncomfortable. “The solitude of this place is more beneficial to the act of murdering than not.” He moved onto the next window. I looked down and saw that he had taken his boots off. Something about that made me feel pleased.

I guessed my only options were to be ‘murdered’ by Darwin or to return back home. My mouth felt cottony. I was sure that there was a nice hospital bed waiting for me when I returned home. At least if Darwin murdered me, I wouldn’t have to suffer very long. I hated being monitored. I hated hearing the dumb screams of others down the hallway. Some people in the hospital were so blinded by psychosis that they often shrieked at random intervals. It was worst during the night. Especially when I felt like one of them would break into my room and murder me in my sleep.

Darwin appeared in front of me. Again, I felt like an idiot. I needed to stop daydreaming. I couldn’t monitor where he was when I was off in outerspace. It gave him the perfect opportunity to get close to me. Darwin brushed a piece of my hair out of my eyes. He studied my face for a breath before murmuring, “You seem like you’re thinking some nasty thoughts.” He smiled and I realized that I liked the way his skin crinkled next to eyes when he smiled. His smile gave me butterflies. He teased, “I hate to see that cute face of yours all twisted in a grimace.”

“Is there Wi-Fi?” I replied, ignoring his last statement. I glanced down at my phone and poked the screen with my finger. The no service message appeared again.

“We’re in the middle of the woods and you’re curious about Wi-Fi?” Darwin chuckled, and pried the phone from my fingers. “Not sure they have enough satellites to reach all the way out here. Also, stop scowling like that. You’ll get wrinkles by the time you turn 18. There’s so much to do out here besides surf the web.”

I scowled. What was I going to do in a place like this? Chop wood? Un-fucking-likely. I snapped at him, “Like I care about wrinkles. I probably won’t live long enough to care about that.” Darwin gave me a sideways look and I grimaced. That was a mistake on my part. Talking about how I wanted to off myself was never a good idea. I kind of hoped he thought I meant that he was going to murder me. But from the speculative look he was giving me, I guessed he knew exactly what I meant. I was getting too nonchalant, again. He didn’t seem angry, though. He merely gave me a puppy dog look and placed his hand on my shoulder. He gave it a squeeze and walked passed me and continued further into the house.

God, what was I going to do without the Internet? I stared out the window. It was beautiful out, but I couldn’t spend an undetermined amount of time staring at the snow. I’d go snow blind. How was I going to google things that I didn’t understand? I couldn’t really ask Darwin without bursting into embarrassed flames. I couldn’t really ask any of the woodland creatures that lived outside because they

A. Didn’t speak English

B. Knew nothing about human relationships.

I glanced around the living room and noticed a large bookshelf. Despite the packed shelves, I doubted that they had any books that would help me learn what I needed to know. I wondered if they made a Gay Sex for Dummies. Probably not. I wasn’t a complete blockhead. I had come across some things on the Internet. But it wasn’t like there was an article titled Practical Application of Gay Sex. What did people do before the Internet anyways? Go to the library? I thought I had heard a teacher mention something about an encyclopedia. I stepped into the living room to find Darwin sitting on the couch. I guessed I could always learn from, uh, a more hands on approach. I sat next to him. He wrapped his arm around my shoulders and pulled me in to lean against him. I laid my head on his chest and listened to his heartbeat. After a few moments, I sat back up. The angle was kind of hard on my neck. I glanced over at him. His eyes seemed so bright. I kind of wanted… to kiss but I didn’t know how to ask. His lips looked soft and he seemed so handsome at that moment.

I began to lean forward. I hoped he would figure out what I was doing. His hand came up to cup my chin and he leaned forward and pressed his lips against mine. I moaned against his mouth. It was suddenly one thousand degrees within the room. He rubbed his hands under my sweater and against my back as he kissed me. I wanted to him to absorb me. I want to kiss him forever. I wanted- 

My stomach growled, effectively ruining the mood. He broke away from me, an amused look on his face.

“I’m thinking that muffin wasn’t sufficient enough of a meal,” he mused, running his fingers through my hair. My scalp pricked at the sensation. He gave me a chaste kiss and stood. It was a lot colder without him. He went to the front door.

“I’m going to run to the store to get some things. Do you want to come?” Darwin asked, pulling on his boots. “Also, any food you particularly like?”

“Anything from a five star restaurant.” I muttered, sinking down into the couch. I slumped over and silently wished that the cushions would absorb me. Maybe I could become one of them. Couch king, they would call me.

He snorted. “Sure thing, your highness. Maybe you’ll know what you want when you see it.”

“I don’t want to come.” I desperately needed time alone. I felt hot and prickly.

“That’s fine.” He stood and gave me a bright smile. “There’s a TV if you want to watch something. It’s probably only local shows, though. There’s a computer in the back room that’s connected to the Internet if you get too bored.”

“How long will you be gone?”

“An hour, or two, tops.”

“How will I reach you if I need you? I don’t have service, remember?” I was afraid to be stranded and alone. He came back over to me and brushed my hair away from my forehead.

“Just use the landline. It’s in the kitchen. Just call me if you need anything.” He leaned over me and brushed his lips against my forehead. His tone became very serious with his next statement. “Don’t wander too far outside.” He said. I felt nervous suddenly. But just as fast as his grave tone came on, it was gone. His next statements were light and teasing. “It’ll be dark in a few hours and I don’t want you to get lost out there. Something about you tells me that you don’t have much wilderness expertise.”

I looked up at him and responded, “astute observation.”

I felt sick when he left the cabin. Why wouldn’t he want me to wander off? I guessed, rationally, it made sense. There were all kinds of animals lurking around. Maybe there was a serial killer lurking around? I didn’t know, but I didn’t think I was going to chance going outside alone.


End file.
